Joanna
by Igiveup
Summary: While visiting Risa on Shore Leave, Jim runs into Joanna McCoy and learns the real reason Bones signed up for Starfleet. COMPLETE! COMPLETE! AT LONG LAST COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

**_Another new Star Trek story that has been beta'ed by J. Rosemary Moss. I hope you like it, and please leave feedback!_**

* * *

"Nice to see you actually relaxing on shore leave for a change Jim," Dr. McCoy said to his friend as he, Jim, and Spock strolled along the beach.

"It's been a rough couple of months Bones," Jim pointed out. "We all need a break. You too, Spock."

_Rough is right,_Jim thought to himself. In the past few months, Spock had had his brain removed from his skull, McCoy had contracted a deadly disease, all three of them plus Uhura and Nurse Chapel had become puppets to a planet of telepaths, and Jim, Spock, and McCoy almost became trapped in the past of a dying planet. The fact that they had emerged from all of this in one piece was a miracle. Hopefully the chance to relax would keep them that way.

"Agreed," said Spock. "Though I must confess that Risa would not have been my first choice," he added as a pretty red-haired humanoid female blew him a kiss.

"Come on, Spock," McCoy said teasingly, "Just because Risa's called 'The Pleasure Planet' doesn't mean you have to engage in sexual pleasure. There's plenty of other things you can do. We can just keep walking on this beach, there's rock climbing, hell, you can just stay in your hotel room and meditate."

"Why would I engage in activities on shore leave that I already perform while on active duty?"

"Good point," McCoy acknowledged. "As long as we're on vacation you might as well try something new."

Jim was only half listening to the conversation, having been distracted by the pretty girl who had flirted with Spock.

"Uh... yes. You gentlemen go ahead and have fun." He watched as the girl entered a bar. "I'm just going to get something to eat."

McCoy smirked. "Sure, Jim. Come on Spock, I think I remember hearing something about a nature hike earlier."

Jim parted ways with his friends and entered the bar. He lingered in the doorway for a moment, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the dimmer light. He couldn't find any sign of the girl. The place was slightly crowded, but the wait didn't look as if it would be terribly long. Jim sighed. _Oh, well. Long as I'm here I might as well order something._

He found a place to sit in the back corner, and while he waited for his order to be taken he watched the comings and goings of the other customers. To use Spock's favorite expression, it was quite a fascinating activity. It seemed as if everyone who came here, regardless of culture, felt an overwhelming need to wear loud, vibrant colors, preferably in a floral pattern and covering the most minimal amount of skin as possible.

A sudden commotion at the entrance drew his attention, and he got up to see what was going on.

A young human girl who could not have been much older than fifteen was arguing with the owner. Compared to the rest of her surroundings, she was dressed rather modestly, the colors far more subdued. Her chin length hair was a dark shade of brown, and her green eyes were almost glowing with anger.

"I'm just trying to find somebody, that's all!" She said insistently. Jim noticed that her voice had a slight southern drawl.

"I'm sorry but I need to see some I.D. before I let you in," the owner tried to explain. "If they found out I let a child in here I could lose my business! Look honey," he said in a more reasonable tone, "Why don't you just tell me the name of who you're looking for and I'll see if I-HEY!" he shouted as she tried to run past him. He grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back, causing her to yelp in pain.

Jim hurried over to intervene before things could get out of hand. He had at first been on the owner's side, but now he was starting to feel a little bit sorry for the girl, and he hadn't liked the way the owner had grabbed her arm.

Upon seeing Jim's Starfleet uniform, the girl calmed down somewhat.

"I... I'm sorry," she finally said. "I had heard that the Enterprise was going to be here for shore leave and-" she paused and rubbed her arm, which the owner had released. She swallowed hard. "My father is a member of the crew. I haven't seen him since he was assigned to the ship, so when I found out he might be here..." she shrugged. "I guess I got a little carried away."

"Lots of restaurants and tourist spots here honey," the owner told her. "Were you planning on checking every single one? Shore leave would be over before you were even halfway through! And so would your vacation, I would think."

"I dunno... maybe," the girl said softly, chewing her lip. "Like I said, I got so excited that I didn't really think things through."

"Does your mother know you're running all over the planet looking for your father? Seems to me that she might have a quicker and easier time of finding him for you," Jim said.

"She knows Dad's here, and she told me I could go look for him as long as I didn't stay out too late. She and him had had a divorce and... well," the girl's voice trailed off, as the thought of the divorce clearly gave her pain.

"Look, maybe I can help you," Jim said in an effort to change the subject. "Captain James T. Kirk, at your service," he gave a mock bow, which made the girl smile slightly. "Tell me your father's name and I'll see if I can track him down for you, and tell me your name so I can let him know you're here."

The girl swallowed. "I kinda wanted to surprise him... Don't tell him it's me, okay? I want to see the look on his face when he realizes it's me." She smiled, but it was a strange smile that did not quite reach her eyes. Jim assumed that it was probably just nerves.

He smiled back and said, "All right, I won't spoil the surprise, but I'd still like to know your name."

The girl nodded. "My father's name is Dr. Leonard McCoy, and I am Joanna."

Jim was shocked. _Bones' **daughter? **_He smiled. _He's sure going to be surprised all right! _McCoy had never spoken about his family much. From what little information he had volunteered, he and his wife Jocelyn had had a very ugly divorce, and she had gotten sole custody of their daughter. Maybe that was why McCoy didn't talk about it much, it was too painful.

Joanna spoke up again, interrupting Jim's thoughts. "Um... Can we meet up with him on the Enterprise?" she shot the bar's owner a nervous look. "It's just... I'd like to be able to see where Dad's been working these past three years and well..."

Jim nodded in understanding. She was no doubt still shaken from her argument with the owner, and was clearly nervous about seeing her father in person for the first time in years. Besides, it probably would be better if the reunion were conducted in a more private setting.

"All right, Joanna. Just stand here next to me please. Kirk to Enterprise."

"Enterprise here, Captain," Scotty's voice came in over the communicator. "How are you enjoyin' your shore leave sir?"

"Oh, it's going well. Listen, I've got a young friend here who happens to know one of our fellow crew members very well. We were thinking of meeting with him on board, so if you would be so kind as to beam us up..."

"Aye, aye, Captain. The galaxy keeps gettin' smaller all the time, doesn't it? So two to beam up then? Very well, I'll just lock your coordinates in now."

"Thank you, Scotty. Kirk out."

The bar's owner cleared his throat. "Enjoy your visit with your father, honey. And feel free to come back when you're old enough. Sorry if I hurt you before."

"It's all right, thank you," Joanna said softly.

"Energize."

Jim and Joanna were transported aboard.

* * *

McCoy was glad that Spock seemed to be enjoying the nature hike. True, the Vulcan wasn't smiling(he rarely did when in his right frame of mind.) but in the three years that they had known each other, McCoy had begun to learn to pick up on the more subtle cues that Spock gave. Right now, Spock was watching the scenery, paying close attention to it and the descriptions of the plant life given by the tour guide.

"Fascinating, isn't it?" McCoy asked teasingly.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Indeed, Doctor."

"Just once I wanted to say it before you," McCoy added, as the guide shot him a dirty look. Apparently she didn't appreciate his lack of attention to her lecture. McCoy gave an apologetic shrug, and the hike continued.

Five minutes later, McCoy's communicator went off, which earned him another glare from the guide. With a sigh, McCoy stepped out of the group to answer the message. He was surprised when Spock joined him.

"Bones? It's me, Jim."

"What's going on? Some kind of emergency?" McCoy hoped not. He was more than willing to help if someone needed it, but he was disappointed to have his vacation come to an early end.

"No, no, no," Jim said hastily. "Nothing like that. I was just wondering if you would meet with me in the transporter room for a minute?"

"You mean, right now? If it's not an emergency, can't it wait?"

"Um, no." There was a hint of nervousness in Jim's voice, and a trace of mischief as well. "Trust me, Bones. You need to come up here."

"All right, all right. Have Scotty beam me up. Spock, you can go back to the nature hike, you don't have to wait for me."

Spock shook his head. "I need to retrieve something from my cabin, Doctor. I was going to wait until later this evening but since the opportunity has presented itself I might as well go now."

"What, are you my shadow now? Rhetorical, Spock! Okay Scotty, make that two to beam up."

A few moments later they were in the transporter room. McCoy took a quick look around for Jim. When McCoy saw who was standing next to the captain, his heart stopped beating all together, and he found himself grabbing Spock's hand.

"Joanna..." McCoy choked out, his voice hoarse.

"Hey Daddy." Joanna's voice sounded strange as well. Neither made any movements towards the other.

"I... I'm glad to see you," McCoy said in that same odd voice.

"Yeah, me too... Dad, can we talk? Alone I mean?"

McCoy glanced at Jim, Scotty, and Spock. All but Spock seemed confused. McCoy could almost guess what they were thinking: _Why aren't they more excited about seeing each other after so long?_

Jim nodded. "Of course. Come on, Mr. Spock, Mr. Scott."

Just before he left with the others, Spock gave McCoy's hand a slight squeeze, as if to reassure him. McCoy swallowed hard. It had been so long since he had seen Joanna. What in God's name was he supposed to say to her?

Joanna's voice shattered the silence. "It it true?"

"Is what true?" McCoy asked, hoping against hope that she was not asking what he thought she was asking. _She couldn't know, could she? did Jocelyn finally tell her?_

"I know you know what I'm talking about, I saw it on your face when you showed up. How come you never told me?"

"Never told you what?" McCoy tried to stall. More than anything, he did not want Joanna to say it out loud.

What composure Joanna had possessed until this point finally ran out. Her eyes welled up with tears. "Is it true that you might not be my real father? That... that _I'm _the reason you signed up for Starfleet?"

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	2. Chapter 2

**_Here's chapter 2, I hope you enjoy it._**

* * *

McCoy felt as if his lungs were being crushed. He tried to speak, found that he could not. It was if the words had gotten stuck in his throat, and were choking him. He stared at the young woman in front of him. When he had left for Starfleet she had been a child, not much older than ten. She had always taken after her mother in appearance but now the resemblance was uncanny. The familiar sting of betrayal was returning, and along with it came this new feeling, this incredible sense of guilt.

"How... When did you find out?" He finally stammered. It had to be fairly recently, if the look of disbelief and betrayal was any clue. There was also a sort of desperation there. McCoy guessed that Joanna had been hoping that he would deny it, claim it was all some sort of mistake. He and Joanna had been so close prior to the divorce but now... now he was talking to a stranger.

"I heard Mom and Gene talking," Joanna said. "They didn't know I could hear them." She leaned back against the console and folded her arms across her chest.

"I had found out that the Enterprise was coming to Risa for shore leave. Mom, Gene, and I were already here to celebrate their anniversary. Anyway, I had gone back to the hotel to ask Mom if I could go and look for you. When I got to the door though, I heard Gene ask Mom... he wanted to adopt me, to legally become my father and not just my stepfather."

Joanna's voice shook slightly. "I wanted to run in there and say that I already had a father, _you. _It's just that your job in Starfleet makes it hard for you to stay in touch. I mean, Gene's cool and everything, really nice but..."

McCoy's stomach began tying itself into a knot that grew tighter and tighter the more Joanna spoke. Gene, who had only known Joanna for four years, was willing to be a fulltime father to her, while McCoy, who had raised her from birth had run away. Joanna was more his that Gene's, but McCoy felt that he had thrown his chance away.

"Anyway, he also asked if he should get your permission as well as mine since your name's on the birth certificate and you're still among the living. Mom said that you probably couldn't care less one way or another. Gene asked what she meant, and Mom said... she said..." Joanna angrily swiped at her eyes.

_Of course I care! I'll always care. _Maybe in the beginning McCoy would have been tempted to agree with Jocelyn, but now it was painfully obvious that it was not true.

"Mom said that just before she got pregnant with me she'd slept with this other guy she had met at a bar or something. She felt lonely because of the hours you worked. She eventually broke it off after she became pregnant." Joanna's voice dropped to a whisper.

_Trying to blame me for the affair again, Jocelyn? _McCoy felt that familiar anger flaring up within him. _You're responsible for your own actions, _glancing over at Joanna, he added, _as am I. _After Joanna had been born, he _had _made an effort to be home more, but that didn't stop Jocelyn from sleeping around again. He thought about Gene wanting to adopt Joanna. Suppose _this _marriage failed as well? Would Gene be more responsible to Joanna than McCoy had been? even if she turned down his offer to adopt her?

Joanna was chewing so hard on her lip that it was a miracle that it hadn't started to bleed. She took slow, deep breathes through her nose as she tried to compose herself.

"She wanted to work things out with you. She suspected I wasn't yours, but didn't tell you because she was afraid that you would leave. And then... well, you already know what happened. During the divorce, Mom was forced to tell you the truth while you guys were working out custody issues. It was right after that that you signed up for Starfleet. Mom said that she's never told me because she didn't want me to know that _I _was the reason you had left."

McCoy had been listening to Joanna's story in a shocked silence. He had no idea what he was supposed to say to her, what he was supposed to do. He tried to think of something, but Joanna wasn't finished yet.

"That can't really be true, can it? You told me you just needed to get away, to sort things out. It had nothing to do with me, you said. Were you lying when you told me that? Is that why you didn't stay in touch? I'd told myself it was just because Starfleet kept you busy, and that when the mission was over you'd come back and tell me about all the great adventures you'd had." Joanna's eyes welled up again. "You were going to contact me eventually, right?"

McCoy wanted to tell her that of course he would have contacted her, but that would have been a lie. If Jim hadn't run into Joanna, McCoy never would have made any effort on his own. It was not out of hatred or malice, it was just...

When McCoy had first learned of Jocelyn's betrayal, he had been devastated. His own pain had been so great, that he had forgotten that he was not the only victim. He had had three years to dwell on that mistake. Now it was staring him right in the face, demanding answers that he could not easily give. So he did what he had done before: tried to escape.

"Your mother, she doesn't know that you're here, does she?" he asked softly. "You obviously wanted to track me down after you... found out, so you didn't stick around did you?" His response made Joanna's eyes flare with anger.

"Why won't you just answer me?" she demanded, though she _had _to have been able to read the emotion in his eyes, in his voice. What did she want him to tell her? That yes, just looking at her had been a reminder of Jocelyn's betrayal? That he didn't stick around for the paternity test because he was too afraid to hear the results? She clearly knew that already. What good would it do to force him to say it out loud.

"I'm sorry you found out the way you did Joanna, but I have to contact your mother, she's probably getting worried by now."

It had been mid afternoon when Jim had contacted him about Joanna. It was now close to sundown back on Risa. McCoy didn't know how much time had passed between Joanna's first leaving the hotel, or how long she'd been trying to track him down after overhearing Gene and Jocelyn's conversation, but it had to have been quite awhile ago. So he wasn't really trying to run away from the situation then, not really. Especially since he would have to actually deal with Jocelyn when she was informed of what was happening.

Joanna grabbed his arm. "Stop running away! Answer me, you jackass!" she shrieked.

McCoy pulled his arm free. "You watch your mouth, young lady!"

"Don't lecture me! You gave up that right when you ran away."

"Father or not, you still have to show respect for your elders," McCoy shot back. But a part of him knew that she might have a point.

"Look, we'll discuss this later, I promise," he said a bit more calmly. "In the meantime I really do have to let your mother know where you are."

"Fine," Joanna snarled, running her fingers through her hair. "You'd just better mean that about talking later."

McCoy turned on the intercom, hoping that Jim was on the bridge.

"Hey, Bones. What is it? Everything all right?"

"Not exactly," McCoy admitted. "Jim, Joanna lied to you about having her mother's permission to look for me. Can we contact the hotel where they're staying to let Jocelyn know Joanna's okay?"

"Oh... sure, no problem."

McCoy turned to Joanna and asked her the name of the hotel. She sighed, and with obvious reluctance told him.

"Did you catch that, Jim?"

"Sure did, Bones. Sorry about the misunderstanding."

"Don't worry about it," McCoy assured him. "Joanna's always been trustworthy before."

Out of the corner of his eye he caught sight of Joanna rolling her eyes at his words. He sighed in frustration. This was not going to be fun.

He had not seen or spoken to Jocelyn since the divorce, the same as with Joanna. They had never completely left his thoughts of course, but he never fully allowed himself to consider the fact that he would see one or both of them again eventually. It was all just in some sort of abstract "future". Now it was alarmingly real and all he could think was, _It's too soon... _Just how had his past managed to catch up with him anyway?

A new thought occurred to him. Jim, Spock, and Scotty had seen how uncomfortable he and Joanna were around each other. They may have known about the divorce, but they didn't have the whole story behind it. Would what little information they did have be enough to keep them from getting too curious?

Scotty was a good friend, but he was not as close to McCoy as Jim and Spock were, so maybe he wouldn't pry. Jim though, was another story. He would ask questions, and would easily convince Spock to go along with him. The only reason they'd be doing it would be out of concern (though of course Spock would never admit that) and that notion only made it worse.

McCoy did not want them to learn the truth. He knew that they'd never look at him the same way again. His fights with Spock were one thing; it could be seen as some bizarre show of affection, like a boy pulling on a girl's pigtails or whatever, but this...

Of his two friends, it was Spock's view of him that McCoy was most concerned about. He did not know what the Vulcans' views on parental status and adoption were, but considering Spock's shaky relationship with his own father... McCoy didn't want Spock to know that he might not be any better than Sarek, or if anything, possibly worse.

McCoy was grateful that Joanna had finally fallen silent. His mind was going in too many directions at once for him to get any closer to answering her questions. She was still leaning against the console, biting her fingernails and shooting nervous glances at the transporter and the door. As angry as she was with him, it was clear that she was equally ill at ease at facing her mother's wrath. That, and the fact that she probably was not looking forward to having both of her parents in the same room, especially considering how ugly the fights she had managed to overhear had gotten. And with this new situation...

McCoy rubbed his eyes. Anyplace else in the galaxy would be better than where he was right now.

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	3. Chapter 3

**_Here's chapter 3, I hope you enjoy it._**

* * *

The door swooshed open as Jim entered. Jocelyn glanced at him briefly, then returned her gaze to the floor.

"Jocelyn will be waiting for you guys in front of the hotel. I'll beam the two of you there directly."

"How mad is she?" asked Joanna, though it was clear from her expression she already had a pretty good idea.

"She was quite upset. You did give her a bit of a fright young lady."

Joanna swallowed. "I'm sorry I lied to you Captain," she said softly.

"Apology accepted. I did explain to your mother your reasons for running off, so she might understand."

McCoy found that very unlikely, and it was clear that Joanna did too. Jocelyn might be unaware of how Joanna had learned the truth, but she must certainly suspect that Joanna knew it by now. She would probably conclude that McCoy had finally told Joanna himself when she went to speak with him. Of course, Joanna would no doubt tell her mother that she had overheard her and Gene's conversation.

_Gene! _Another thought suddenly occurred to McCoy. Would Gene be waiting outside the hotel as well? McCoy wasn't sure if he wanted the man there or not. On the one hand, he was very curious to meet the new gentleman that Jocelyn had married, and who wanted to adopt Joanna. There was also the fact that having Gene around might prevent any arguments with Jocelyn from getting out of hand. On the other hand, it might not help at all.

McCoy mentally groaned. He did not want to have a scene in the hotel lobby, providing entertainment for the tourists. And Joanna... McCoy knew that he had already hurt her terribly as it was, why make things even worse by humiliating her as well? Or was she too upset to care about causing a scene or not?

Father and daughter both moved to stand on the transporter. Just before McCoy got there, Jim took him by the arm.

"Hey, good luck okay?"

"Thanks," McCoy whispered. He was going to need it.

He closed his eyes as he felt the familiar sensation of being transported away.

"Joanna!"

McCoy opened his eyes to see Jocelyn racing toward her daughter. Jocelyn had the same green eyes and dark brown hair as Joanna, but Jocelyn's hair hung halfway down her back. McCoy did not see anyone who could be the mysterious Gene.

Jocelyn hugged Joanna tightly. "Don't you ever scare me or Gene like that again!" she scolded. "You are old enough to know better Joanna."

"Sorry," Joanna said in a flat voice.

Jocelyn stepped back. "Gene's on his way back now," she explained, answering McCoy's unspoken question. "I was waiting here in case you came back while he was out looking."

Up until this point, McCoy had pretty much been invisible to his ex-wife. But now she finally looked his way.

"Len," she said softly, her tone brittle.

Before McCoy could say anything, Joanna blurted out, "I know he's not my real dad."

Jocelyn's face was a mixture of fury and heartache. "So, he finally told you? I can't believe you, Len!"

Before Jocelyn could say anything more, Joanna interrupted again.

"He didn't tell me, I overheard you and Gene talking. Dad just didn't deny it."

The fight seemed to drain out of Jocelyn's face. She sighed. "I'm sorry, sweetheart, I never wanted you to find out this way."

McCoy felt the need to do something besides standing there like an idiot, but Joanna wasn't finished yet.

"You mean you never wanted me to find out at all, didn't you?" Her voice had gotten louder.

"Not now, Joanna," Jocelyn said, as passerby stopped to stare.

"That's what Dad said," Joanna snapped. McCoy wondered why she still called him that, considering she now knew the truth. He supposed it might simply be sheer force of habit for the moment, or maybe the news hadn't fully sunken in yet. He also had mixed feelings at the thought of her calling him by his first name instead of 'Dad.'

When the news was still new to him, it felt like a knife twisting in his gut every time he heard that word from her. His mind kept repeating, _not mine, she's not mine, I'm not her father. _There were still lingering traces of that feeling, but now he had begun to argue with himself. _Of course she's mine, I raised her for eleven years, I'm just as responsible for her. Not to mention the fact I never did stick around for the results of that paternity test. _Back and forth and round and around went his thoughts, but he could not seem to sort things out.

"So when _can _we talk about it?" Joanna was asking now.

"Soon, I promise," Jocelyn said. She glanced over at McCoy. "Is that all right with you?"

McCoy felt trapped. But what could he do? If he refused, this would only widen the ever-growing gap between him and Joanna that much faster. He wanted a second chance with her, however undeserved it might be. But if he was going to have any chance of getting it, he would have to work for it. He did not know if he could.

What he really needed was time to think. He had wasted these years trying not to think about his past, but now he would have to---his future depended on it. He still had no clue what he should say, how to explain things.

His pessimistic side wondered what the point was in talking. Now that Joanna knew the real reason that he left, she was lost to him, even if they took the paternity test tomorrow and found out they were biologically related after all. There were no magic words that could undo the pain she was feeling, no way to make things right again. He'd be better off accepting his losses and moving forward---they both would.

Or would they? He didn't want to reject Joanna again---desert her a second time. That would only cause her more pain. Maybe he should at least explain himself? Apologize? Joanna certainly deserved that. Far more than that, in fact.

McCoy realized that he had better say something, Joanna and Jocelyn were waiting for an answer.

"Y-yes," he forced himself to say. "It will... have to be fairly soon," his voice faultered slightly. "Shore leave ends about three days from now." _Not enough time to prepare..._

"Tomorrow then," Jocelyn said, placing an arm around Joanna's shoulders as she steered the girl towards the hotel enterence.

"Is Gene going to be there too?" Joanna asked. McCoy couldn't tell if she was hopeful or not.

Jocelyn paused and looked back at McCoy.

"If having him there would make you feel more comfortable..." McCoy said softly. He knew that _he _wouldn't feel more comfortable. In making things easier for Joanna he would be making them harder for himself. He had to admit, though, that he was still painfully curious about meeting Gene. From what little information he had gained so far, Gene seemed like a good man---perhaps even a better man than McCoy was.

"I dunno," Joanna's voice snapped McCoy out of his thoughts. "He did offer to adopt me... that means something, doesn't it? But-I dunno..." she repeated, her voice cracking. The anger she had been feeling earlier seemed to have drained out of her. For a moment, she appeared younger than her actual age.

"That's okay, honey. We'll talk about it tomorrow morning before we meet up with your---" Jocelyn stopped herself before she said, 'father.' "We'll talk about it tomorrow morning," she repeated. Then, addressing McCoy this time, asked, "Is tomorrow night good for you?"

McCoy jerked his head up and down. "Yes." He thought about how Jocelyn avoided calling him Joanna's father. Clearly in her eyes he had given up the rights to that title, biologically or not.

He watched them disappear into the hotel. For the longest time he continued to stand there, trying to collect his thoughts. They remained a jumble, so eventually he pulled out his comunicator to request permission to return to the ship. Maybe his mind would clear if he could just get some work done...

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	4. Chapter 4

**_Here we are with chapter 4! Thanks for the reviews!!!_**

* * *

"I just think it's strange, that's all." Jim had been thinking about the McCoys ever since he had seen Joanna and Bones' reunion. Something about it seemed... off, somehow.

Meeting up with his ex-wife must have been painful for Bones, but he'd also seemed upset at seeing Joanna. Should Jim ask Bones point-blank what was going on, or respect his friend's privacy and give him space?

Needing a sounding board, Jim had gone to meet with Spock in his cabin. The Vulcan might focus on the logical aspect of things rather than the emotional, but he more often than not gave sound advice. Besides, just speaking his thoughts out loud might make it easier for Jim to reach a decision.

"She was so desperate to get into that bar to find her father," Jim was saying. "I was sure that she'd rush straight into his arms. And why wasn't Bones more excited about seeing her? How come they both just stood there?"

Spock set aside his lyre, which he had been tuning prior to Jim's arrival, and folded his hands in thought.

"If there is one thing that I have observed in my experience with humans, it is that their emotional responses to situations are rarely predictable. With that in mind, I must agree with your assessment that McCoy's behavior was somewhat peculiar. When he first laid eyes on Joanna, he-" Spock paused for a moment, as if a new thought had suddenly occurred to him. Finally he said, "McCoy almost instinctively took my hand. When he did..." Spock's voice trailed off.

"What?" Jim asked. "Did you feel something?" Spock was a touch telepath. He must have picked up whatever emotions Bones had been experiencing at that time. That might explain Spock's hesitation; he did not wish to invade the doctor's privacy. But Jim couldn't help Bones if he didn't know what was going on. "Please, Spock, it's important."

"Yes," Spock finally answered. "I could feel his emotions. There was guilt, sorrow... fear."

"The guilt and sorrow sort of make sense," Jim said. "After all Jocelyn did get full custody of Joanna when the divorce was finalized. Maybe Bones blames himself for not fighting harder for her or something. But the fear... that's more puzzling, unless he figured that where his daughter is, his ex might not be far behind."

"There is one more thing Captain," Spock said slowly. "Among the numerous emotions the doctor was experiencing at that moment, there was one that was noticeably absent."

"And that would be... ?" Jim asked, though he was getting the sinking feeling that he already knew the answer. He hoped that Spock would prove him wrong, but no such luck.

"There was no joy or happiness, no positive emotions of any kind when he saw his daughter."

"Something just isn't adding up," Jim said as he began pacing around the cabin. "Why wouldn't Bones be happy to see Joanna? Why had Joanna been so desperate to see her father that she had snuck away from the hotel to track him down---only to hesitate when she finally found him? And why would McCoy be so unhappy to see her? None of this makes any sense."

"What do you propose we do, Jim?"

"We need to talk to him, Spock," Jim decided. "My imagination's going to go crazy if we don't. He might really need our help."

"While I find it highly likely the doctor needs our help, I am not nearly as certain that he wants our help. There is a great difference between the two, Captain. He might reject our offer for assistance. Should that prove to be the outcome, do you recommend pressing the matter until he surrenders, or will you honor his request for privacy?"

Jim folded his arms across his chest as he leaned back against the desk. "I seem to remember a time when you were in desperate trouble---that you would die if we didn't return you to Vulcan in time. I had to keep pressing the matter because you refused to tell me about it. If I hadn't, you would have died."

"Unless you have reason to believe the lives of the McCoys to be in some sort of danger, I fail to see the connection," Spock said, his face turning a slightly darker shade of green at the mention of his experience with the _pon farr._

"Maybe their lives aren't in any physical danger, but Bones' relationship with his daughter might be."

Spock looked thoughtful. "Perhaps," he acknowledged. "But what makes you so certain that we can repair whatever damage has been done?"

"I'm not," Jim admitted. "I don't know the full story. We won't know until we talk to Bones. Maybe you're right, maybe we can't fix whatever is wrong. But we won't know for sure until we try, and McCoy's too much like you." At Spock's raised eyebrow, Jim added, "Too stubborn to admit when he needs help."

"Very well then, when did you wish to confront him?" Jim would have almost sworn that he saw the faintest hint of a sparkle in the Vulcan's eyes at being compared to McCoy.

"Right now," Jim answered---and Spock did not seem surprised. "I think I saw him going towards sick bay after he returned to the ship."

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	5. Chapter 5

**_Time for chapter 5!_**

* * *

McCoy was indeed in sickbay, wrapping a bandage around the knee of a female ensign.

"Try to be a little more careful next time," he told her.

They both looked up as Jim and Spock entered the room. When McCoy saw the expression on Jim's face, he felt a growing sense of dread. Spock's face was expressionless, with no cues for McCoy to pick up on.

"Hey, Bones," Jim said gently. "Do you think we can talk?"

McCoy wanted to refuse, but that would only have made Jim more suspicious. _It has to be about Joanna, what else could it be; _He was going to have to come up with a cover story---and fast.

"Uh... sure," he said slowly. He turned his attention back to the ensign, telling her to put ice on her knee when she returned to her cabin. She nodded in understanding and limped off.

Once she had left, Spock spoke up. "Perhaps it would be best if we conducted this conversation in your office, Doctor. It would provide more privacy, and would reduce our chances of being interrupted."

Jim nodded in agreement. "What do you say, Bones? I don't want to take a chance on someone eavesdropping on our conversation either."

_Yep, definitely about Joanna, _McCoy thought. Otherwise they could have held the conversation here.

"I'm certain Nurse Chapel can fill in for you, and in any event this shouldn't take too long," Jim added.

"What's so important that we need it discuss it in private?" McCoy asked, playing dumb in an attempt to stall.

"It's just... I think you would feel more comfortable, that's all," Jim answered, exchanging a look with Spock.

McCoy thought about it. Some of the ensigns were prone to gossip---if he failed to come up with a convincing cover story he'd prefer for it to happen with just Jim and Spock as an audience. Even if they hated him after this, they would keep his secret safe. That much he knew for certain.

"All right," McCoy said quietly, and the three of them walked into his office. Jim was to his left, and Spock was to his right. Even if the thought of running had crossed McCoy's mind they would have caught him before he could have gotten very far.

Once they were all inside, McCoy asked, "So, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Well, for one thing, why were you working in sickbay when you're supposed to be on shore leave?"

McCoy had been expecting direct question about Joanna, not this. It took him a moment to realize that Jim had done this intentionally, to try and trip him up.

"People _do _get hurt on shore leave," McCoy found himself saying. "It is my duty as a physician to help them if they need it."

"And it is just pure coincidence that you remembered this obligation _after _your encounter with you daughter and ex-wife?" Jim's tone was slightly challenging, but the concern was still there. It only made things more difficult for McCoy.

"The divorce was ugly, Jim," McCoy answered. "I never made any secret of that fact. I think I am justified in being a little... rattled at seeing Jocelyn again."

"It wasn't just seeing Jocelyn that had you spooked Bones," Jim said quietly. "You were upset at seeing Joanna as well."

McCoy inwardly groaned. He knew how awkward that moment in the transporter room had looked, had known that it would make his friends suspicious.

"It had been three years since I'd last seen her," he finally said. "That's quite a gap when you're dealing with children. I guess I might have been a little overwhelmed."

"That can't be all of it," Jim said. "Why was Joanna acting so strange around you?"

"Maybe because she had been afraid I'd discover that she had run away from the hotel? I don't know!" McCoy knew that he was getting dangerously close to blurting out the truth---he could feel it trying to claw its way out of his throat. "It's like I told you before, Jim. It's been _three years _since I last saw her. A lot can happen in that time, people change."

There was a strange flicker of emotion in Spock's eyes, but it was Jim who continued with the questions.

"Didn't the two of you keep in touch during that time?"

"It's not as if we could talk to each other every day, Jim," McCoy pointed out. "She has school, I have my work here... that creates distance, and..." he voice trailed off. He could see the growing doubt in the eyes of his friends.

"Bones," Jim said softly, and the continued use of the nickname made McCoy's eyes sting. _He won't be using that after too much longer... _"Listen, I know there's something wrong. Whatever it is, you can tell us."

McCoy slowly shook his head.

"Yes you can. Look, you're a good man, I know you are. Whatever it is can't be that horrible."

McCoy bit down so hard on his tongue that he tasted blood. He felt himself wanting to surrender, that it was pointless trying to lie. He was startled when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and was even more surprised to see it was Spock's.

"There is nothing to be afraid of, Doctor," he said. "Our opinions of you will not change."

_Oh, yes they will._

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	6. Chapter 6

**_Chapter 6 is here, if you're interested._**

* * *

McCoy took a deep and shuddering breath. There was little doubt in his mind that Joanna was already lost to him---and once they heard about what a bastard he had been he would lose his closest friends as well. He glanced over at Spock, whose hand was still resting on his shoulder. McCoy wondered just how much Spock was picking up from him, and what difference, if any, it would have on Spock's reaction. It was strange, as how ugly their fights had sometimes gotten, it would be McCoy's selfish actions towards Joanna the would drive Spock away.

"Bones..." Jim said gently, and Spock held up a hand to silence him. They both waited, and it was clear that they would wait as long as was necessary. McCoy swallowed hard.

"Joanna," he began slowly. "She's not really-" he stopped. "She _might not be_," he corrected himself. "Might not be, my... my daughter."

"What do you mean, 'might not'?" Jim asked. "You don't know for certain?"

McCoy slowly shook his head.

"There had been another affair, prior to the one that lead to your divorce," Spock reasoned.

_Brilliant deduction, _McCoy thought sarcastically. Out loud he said, "Yes, Jocelyn had cheated on me before---years before the divorce. Joanna might very well be a product of that older affair, but---I do not know that for sure."

"Why not? How long ago did you find out about the first affair?" McCoy could almost see Jim starting to put the pieces together in his mind.

"I... found out during the divorce proceedings. I was trying to file for equal custody rights, I wanted to remain a part of Joanna's life!" He had to make sure they understood that---he hadn't wanted to abandon her.

"Is it possible that Jocelyn might have been lying to you in an attempt to cause you pain and convince you to cease your efforts?" Spock asked.

"No, Jocelyn's no angel by any stretch of the imagination, but she would never intentionally do anything to hurt Joanna, and she couldn't lie without doing so."

"That still doesn't explain why you're uncertain about whether or not Joanna is your child," Jim said. "I would think you would get the test done to prove to the courts you had a legal right to her."

Now the time had come to tell the worst part of McCoy's story. His reasons sounded ugly enough inside his head; how would they sound spoken aloud?

"I... never had the paternity test done," he finally said.

"Why not? it obviously matters to you, otherwise you and Joanna would not have been acting so strangely around each other. Wait, how long has Joanna known? Did she find out around the same time you did?"

McCoy shook his head. "She just found out today. That's why she was trying to track me down... she overheard her mother and stepfather talking."

"Is this the same guy-?"

"No," McCoy interrupted. "He didn't show up until after the divorce."

"I hope he knows what he's getting into," Jim muttered. "But to get back to my question: Why didn't you get the test done?"

"Because... because I was too afraid," McCoy blurted out. There, he had said it. _Now are you satisfied?!_

"So you just... left? Is that what you're saying?" Jim asked.

"Joanna was the only good thing to come out of my relationship with Jocelyn!" McCoy found himself shouting. "When I found out that even that might be a lie, I just---" his voice faltered. "Just that possibility alone, just that trace of doubt..."

He was no longer looking at his friends, he kept his eyes on the floor. He realized that he was trying to excuse the inexcuseable, but he just wanted so badly for them to understand _why. _But how could they? How could anybody who had not lived through this experience themselves know what it was like? He knew it didn't justify his actions, but the desperate _need _for them to understand was so strong...

"Breathe, McCoy," Spock said softly, his voice intruding on the doctor's thoughts. McCoy realized that he had been holding his breath, and released it in a whoosh of air. Spock had been so quiet that McCoy had almost forgotten that he was there.

Spock had finally removed his hand from McCoy's shoulder, but judging but the trace of concern he had allowed to creep into his voice it had not been done out of ill will. Perhaps the intensity of McCoy's emotions had simply become too much for him.

"I... I couldn't even stand to look at her anymore, dammit! Hear her voice, it just---Oh, God!" McCoy covered his mouth, horrified at just how ugly his words sounded.

"So you just abandoned her?" Jim asked, not bothering to hide his own shock. "It wasn't Joanna's fault the affair happened--"

"You think I don't know that?!" McCoy cried; the tears he had been fighting back since seeing Joanna again finally started to fall, and he made no effort to wipe them away.

"You never had the test done! What if it turned out that she was biologically yours after all? No, wait, scratch that---because it doesn't matter. Joanna had no choice in the manner she was conceived, and you had no right to punish her for her mother's actions. _Listen _to me!"

McCoy had put his hands over his ears, trying to block out Jim's words. He knew full well what Jim was saying was true. Couldn't Jim see that?

Spock's touch was gentle as he placed his hands on McCoy's shoulders.

"We seem to be causing him more pain than relieving him of it," Spock noted.

"Sometimes part of being a good friend is pointing out when someone has screwed up."

"He is already fully aware of the fact that he was in error. What useful purpose does it serve to continue to tell him what he already knows?"

McCoy was surprised to hear Spock coming to his defense, having expected him to take the news worse than Jim. Then again, Spock was merely questioning the logic of continuing to lecture McCoy. It might not mean that he wasn't just as angry as Jim was, but the softness of Spock's touch did make McCoy wonder.

"So what do you propose we do then?" Jim asked in a calmer tone, and McCoy listened to Spock's answer.

"Since it is impossible for McCoy to undo his past actions, he will have to find a way to repair the damage caused by them."

"He might not be able to." There was sympathy in Jim's voice, but McCoy was uncertain if was included or if it was only for Joanna. He felt too drained to say anything else, so he just listened as Spock and Jim continued their conversation.

"Most likely, he should apologize to Joanna. At least then she would know that he felt remorse. That is important to humans, is it not?" There was no condescension in Spock's voice, merely curiosity.

"Yes, it is important," Jim answered. "but it might not be enough. You're right though. Apologizing is all Bones really can do."

At hearing the nickname, McCoy looked up. Jim read the expression on his face. "You're still my friend, we've gone through too much together for you not to be. But... God, Bones. That was a terrible thing to do."

"I know, Jim. Believe me, I know." McCoy wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "I never wanted to hurt her, I swear I didn't."

"I know," Jim said softly, the warmth starting to creep back into his voice. "When are you going to talk to Joanna again?"

"We... Joanna, Jocelyn and I---and maybe Gene, Joanna's stepfather, we're supposed to get together tomorrow and talk about what we're supposed to do next, now that Joanna, um, knows. I'll apologize to her then. After that, well..."

Jim gave him a sad smile. "Good luck to you, Bones, and to Joanna as well."

"Thanks," McCoy whispered.

Jim made his way to the door. "I should probably get back to the bridge now, will you be all right?"

McCoy was about to nod when Spock chimed in. "I can stay with him. That is, unless you would prefer solitude at the moment Doctor."

McCoy shook his head. "S-sure, you can stay. Thanks, Spock."

"I believe 'you're welcome' is the correct response?" Spock asked, and the memory it triggered made the corners of McCoy's mouth twitch.

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	7. Chapter 7

**_Chapter 7. Thanks for the reviews, and to J. Rosemary Moss for being my beta._**

* * *

"I thought Jim was still on shore leave. How come he's going back to work?" McCoy asked, trying to wipe away the last remaining traces of tears from his face.

Perhaps he cannot bring himself to relax knowing that you are in distress," Spock answered.

McCoy's feelings were all over the place. He was both exhausted and wound up; a part of him felt relieved that the truth was out---as if he'd expelled some sort of poison, but at the same time voicing his shame had made it that much more real.

He was grateful for Spock's company, but he also felt slightly apprehensive. Was it really just concern that compelled Spock to stay, or was there something else on his mind?

McCoy set that problem aside and tried to mentally rehearse his apology to Joanna, but everything sounded pathetic and weak. Would it make any difference if he said he'd never forgive himself?

"God, I need a drink," he said softly, putting his head down on the desk. He knew that he also needed sleep, but that notion didn't thrill him much. The sooner he went to sleep, the sooner it would be tomorrow and time for the meeting with Joanna. Then again, maybe that would be a good thing---the sooner it happened, the sooner the worst part of it would be over.

That's what it really came down to, wasn't it? The discussion itself? He already knew more or less what the outcome would be: Joanna never wanting anything to do with him again. That was a foregone conclusion. So why was he almost paralyzed with fear?

Maybe because there was no way he could sugar coat his apology in a way that would not cause Joanna pain, no matter how clear he was on the remorse he felt.

"McCoy? McCoy!"

The doctor snapped back to the present to find Spock standing over him, not quite able to hide his concern. In his hand was a glass of water.

"Huh? Oh, sorry, Spock. I guess I drifted off for a minute." McCoy took the water from him. "You know, when I said I needed a drink, this isn't exactly what I had in mind."

Spock shook his head. "I am well aware of your meaning, Doctor. However, I do not believe you would be wise to become intoxicated at this time. I have observed that alcohol often amplifies pre-existing emotions. It would not improve your mood, but make you feel even worse---"

"That I find hard to believe," McCoy muttered, though he knew Spock had a point.

"Also," Spock continued as if he hadn't been interrupted, "since you are meeting with your family tomorrow it would be wise to do so with a clear head, since the affects of alcohol tend to linger afterwards---"

"Okay, okay!" McCoy said. "Point taken, thank you. What happened to lecturing being illogical?"

"The Captain was giving you no new information. In this case, I am far less certain that you are aware of the facts."

"Sure, Spock. Look, I won't even drink enough to get drunk, so there's no way I'd be hung over tomorrow. You think I want to make things even harder for myself and Joanna than they already are?"

"Not intentionally, but you do have a tendency to let your emotions cloud your judgement," Spock pointed out.

"Which is exactly how I got into this mess, I know." McCoy set aside the glass and put his head back down on the desk.

"McCoy?" Spock said softly, and McCoy caught just the slightest hesitation in his voice. He turned his head to look at Spock. "If you are tired, then it would be best if you ceased working for now. You need the rest." He seemed to think for a minute. "You could sleep in my cabin, if you do not wish to be alone."

_And also because there's no alcohol there, right? _McCoy almost felt like smiling. Almost. _You really don't trust me, do you?_

Still, he had to admit that he was touched by Spock's offer, since the Vulcan did not make a regular habit out of inviting folks into his cabin. McCoy wondered what would happen if he turned down the offer---would Spock insist on following him back to his own cabin?

He thought about it for awhile.

"Okay," he said finally. "Thanks, Spock."

McCoy stood up and followed Spock out of the room. He hoped his distress was not plastered all over his face. Just to be on the safe side, he kept his eyes on Spock for most of the trip, talking about whatever nonsense he could think of in order to look normal. Luckily for him, Spock understood what he was up to and played along accordingly.

Once inside the cabin, Spock gave a command to the computer to lower the temperature of the room.

"You didn't have to do that," McCoy said. "Sure you won't be too cold?"

"I only lowered the temperature ten point five degrees, Doctor. It is a slight distraction, nothing more."

"Uh, huh," McCoy said slowly. He found himself trying to figure out exactly how the sleeping arrangements were going to be---it helped him take his mind away from Joanna for the moment.

Would Spock mind sharing the bed? All they were going to do was sleep, after all. Then again, there was the fact that Spock was a touch-telepath. He might be getting a bit strung out himself having picked up so much of McCoy's emotions as it was. He could probably use a breather.

Maybe he should just sleep on the floor? Spock was already being kind enough to share his cabin-and lower the temperature of the room to below his usual comfort level- the least McCoy could do was let Spock keep his bed.

McCoy frowned. He felt undeserving of Spock's kindness. It was _Joanna _who deserved the sympathy, not him. Didn't Spock know that? Or was there some sort of ulterior motive behind Spock's actions; perhaps McCoy was in for another lecture after all?

He nearly jumped out of his skin when Spock put a hand on his shoulder. Usually it was Jim who was the 'touchy-feely' member of their trio, and Spock was the one who held back. What was going on here?

"I merely wished to ask if you wanted to sit down," Spock explained.

_Maybe I should just ask him directly, _McCoy thought. He looked around the cabin for a moment before finally sitting down at the desk.

"Spock... why are you doing this? I mean, why are you being so nice?"

"You are my friend," Spock said simply, as if it were another example of his logic. But it wasn't... was it?

"Well, yeah, but..."

"And as I stated before, you are clearly aware of the fact that you were in error and you are willing to take the steps necessary to correct it."

McCoy nodded. "I still don't understand though."

"Why not?" Spock asked. "My opinion of you remains unchanged. You are still the same person you were before I found out about this part of your past."

"If you say so," McCoy muttered. There was something else on his mind. "Um, Spock? Have there ever been---I mean, what do people on Vulcan do in this kind of situation?"

"Adultery is rare among Vulcans, given the nature of the marriage bond and the fact that we do our best to select a logical choice to begin with."

McCoy narrowed his eyes, remembering Spock's own failed marriage ceremony.

Noticing the look on McCoy's face, Spock finally acknowledged, "I only said it was rare, not completely unheard of. In the event that an affair results in a child, he or she will be left in the custody of the more suitable parent, whomever that might be."

"Well, I guess I gave up that title," McCoy said ruefully.

"I am sorry," Spock said. "I wish I could be of more assistance."

"Don't worry about it, you've done enough," McCoy reassured him. He put his head down on the desk.

"Are you certain you would not be more comfortable on the bed?" Spock asked. "It would not be any trouble."

"I'm fine," McCoy mumbled. He really was tired. Maybe if he closed his eyes for just a minute...

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	8. Chapter 8

**_Chapter 8. _**

* * *

Spock watched his sleeping friend for a moment, trying to decide what to do. McCoy would be better rested if he slept on the bed. Besides, if Spock had been content to let McCoy sleep at a desk they could have remained in the doctor's office. The trick was to move McCoy without waking him. Was he sleeping deeply enough? Spock decided to risk it.

Leaning forward, he slid one arm under McCoy's shoulder and the other arm under his legs. McCoy stirred slightly but did not awaken, resting his head against Spock's chest. Spock gently set him down on the bed, then took the desk chair for himself, keeping his eyes on McCoy the entire time. McCoy turned over in his sleep, his back to Spock.

Spock tried to sort out the emotions he had picked up from McCoy: needing comfort and feeling undeserving of it. There was guilt and shame as well---and fear. Specifically, fear of loss. Spock knew that McCoy was a brave man, willing to risk his life for the safety of his friends and fellow crew members. Perhaps fear of grief had played a part in McCoy's actions during those events; he would rather die himself than go through that pain.

Spock thought through McCoy's story again. He knew it was foolish to apply logic to an emotional situation, but somehow with his friends the two ceased to be mutually exclusive.

He knew the sting of betrayal quite well. Though he had not been emotionally attached to T'Pring, the fact that she had chosen another still hurt---and so had her method of telling him. Spock shook his head at the memory. Oh, yes, he understood betrayal.

He knew from his own fights with McCoy that the latter had a tendency to let his emotions get the best of him, but he was still puzzled by the doctor's actions. McCoy had said that merely looking at Joanna was a reminder of Jocelyn's betrayal---but Jocelyn had betrayed him twice. They were already going through the divorce.

And why would the emotional doctor suddenly focus on genetics? Before McCoy realized that he might not be Joanna's biological father, he had loved her like a daughter. And he still loved her, Spock could tell. It was McCoy's anger at Jocelyn that had rendered Joanna an unintended target.

From a purely logical standpoint, McCoy really was Joanna's father, genetics or not. He had raised her since she was an infant. His presence and actions played a direct part in her development. Sadly, so had his departure, especially now that Joanna knew the reason for it.

And while it admittedly was not precisely the same situation, Spock found himself thinking about his relationship with his own father, Sarek. The fact that Spock had not obeyed his father's wishes and---perhaps---the fact that he had inherited a bit more of his mother's humanity than Sarek had expected, had led to seventeen years of silence.

After Sarek's emergency surgery, with Spock as the blood doner, the two men had started talking again. There remained a distance, however, even by Vulcan standards. Spock did not want that for the McCoys.

But what could he do? He certainly couldn't force Joanna to forgive her father. She was well within her rights to feel hurt. But still... with the pain McCoy was going through, Spock felt that he had to help. Jim's earlier determination was starting to make sense.

There had to be something he could do. Perhaps he could speak with Joanna? What could he say? If he wasn't careful he would make things worse. Spock could not bring himself to do nothing... and this might be the only option.

Spock came dangerously close to sighing, something that seemed to happen whenever he tried to sort things out through emotions. Things would be much simpler if humans behaved more logically. Then again, if they did they might lose the very traits that made them so fascinating to begin with.

He was distracted from his thoughts by a small noise from McCoy. He looked up to see that the doctor had become animated, tossing and turning while making sounds of distress. At least twice Spock distinctly heard the name "Joanna."

A bad dream, Spock realized. Should he wake McCoy up? If he did, the doctor would probably refuse to go back to sleep, and McCoy needed all the rest he could get.

Spock went over to the bed and sat down next to the doctor. Very gently, he rubbed McCoy's arm. McCoy seemed to relax, and became still once more. Spock remained where he was, lest the nightmare resumed.

The small incident cemented his determination. He would find a way to help his friend.

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	9. Chapter 9

**_Chapter 9 is here. Thanks for all the lovely reviews!_**

* * *

Jim had been so distracted by Bones' situation that he had actually forgotten that he was on shore leave. He didn't remember until Uhura asked him about it when he showed up on the bridge. Not knowing what else to do, he eventually retreated to his cabin.

It was hard to fall asleep. He wondered how Bones was doing. _But he should be all right for the night----Spock's with him._

Just when was Bones supposed to meet with his family anyway? Maybe Jim and Spock could keep him busy until it was time? On the other hand, maybe Bones needed to be alone to work on what he would say to Joanna. Jim wished that he and Spock could come along for moral support, but he knew this was a private matter for the family.

_At least we can be with him in spirit, _Jim thought as he finally fell asleep.

The next morning, he went to look for his friends. Maybe they could have breakfast together. He knew that Bones would be too nervous to eat, but it would still help to have the company.

Jim's first stop was Bones' cabin. There was no sign of the doctor. Had he returned to work? Jim checked sickbay and the office. No McCoy.

On his way out, Jim almost collided with Nurse Chapel.

"Oh, hi. Sorry about that," Jim said. "Listen, have you seen McCoy yet today?"

"No, sorry," she answered. "But I did see him leave with Mr. Spock last night."

"Okay, great. Thank you," Jim said as he left for Spock's cabin. If Bones wasn't there, Spock might know where he had gone off to.

"Come," Spock's voice responded to the door chimes. Jim walked in and saw that Spock was sitting on the bed, McCoy curled up asleep at his side. The sight made Jim smile.

Spock and McCoy were rather famous---or perhaps that should be infamous---for their fights, so much so that people who didn't know them very well were convinced the two hated each other. But nothing could be further from the truth. Jim knew how well they got along and he heard the affection behind their words when they did argue. Sometimes he swore they did it on purpose. A sort of verbal chess, if you will.

"Did you need something Captain?" Spock's voice, though kept low to avoid waking Bones, managed to pull Jim from his thoughts.

"I was just wondering how Bones was doing, that's all."

"He is as well as can be expected, given the circumstances."

"Did he get much sleep?" Jim said quietly, grateful that Spock had excellent hearing.

"He slept through the night," Spock answered. He paused for a moment. "There were a few nightmares."

"How about you? Did he keep you awake?"

"I had an adequate amount of rest," Spock answered.

Bones stirred in his sleep. Jim and Spock paused in their conversation until the doctor became still once more.

Spock gently disentangled himself from McCoy's arms and stood up, motioning for Jim to follow him out into the hall. Jim nodded in understanding. Once outside, they could converse at a normal level without worrying about waking up Bones.

"We should let him rest for now," Spock said.

"Do you know what time this meeting with his family is supposed to be?" Jim asked.

"I do not know the percise time," Spock answered. "But I did hear McCoy mention something about the evening."

"I just don't want him to sleep through the time of the meeting. I'd hate to have his family think he was running away again."

"Indeed," Spock said. "Though perhaps we could explain things to them."

"I don't think that would go over too well," Jim responded.

Spock was silent. He started walking down the hall, his hands clasped behind his back. Jim hurried after him.

"What is it Spock? Something on your mind?"

"I was merely trying to think of some sort of solution to McCoy's problem."

"We already have, Spock. All Bones can do is aplogize."

"That soultion feels incomplete."

"I know, but that's the only answer available."

"Perhaps we could attempt to speak to---"

"No, Spock!" Jim said, cutting his friend off. "We can't talk to McCoy's family, especially not behind his back.'

"I do not understand, Captain," Spock said. "You were determined to force McCoy to talk..."

"That's because Bones is our friend. He knows us and we know him. His family are strangers, Spock. They would not appreciate us coming up to them and telling them how to solve their problems."

Spock clearly wanted to respond to this, but Jim interrupted. "Look, Spock. I know you want to help Bones. So do I. But you have to understand, there are limits to what we can do. We can be a sounding board for Bones, a shoulder for him to cry on, but that's all. We can't talk to his family for him; he needs to do that on his own."

Spock nodded and started to walk away, but Jim stopped him. "I mean it Spock. Don't approach Bones' family okay? I know you mean well, but it would just make things worse. Do I have your word?"

After a long period of silence, Spock answered, "Yes, you have my word."

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	10. Chapter 10

**_Chapter 10 is finally here! :-)_**

* * *

"The ship has food replicators, I do not see a reason to go down to the planet to get breakfast."

Spock had met up with Uhura in the mess hall after parting ways with Jim. She had asked him if they could do down to the planet's surface together, since her leave had finally been approved. Spock knew that he was still on shore leave, but felt he should stay with McCoy while the doctor was still in distress. Spock did not explain his reasons to Uhura, though. That would require violating McCoy's privacy. Thus he gave another valid explanation for remaining on the ship.

"They have fresh fruit on Risa. I don't know why, but food also tastes better when you eat it outside."

Spock doubted that location played any part in how food tasted, but he had to admit that fresh fruit was better than what came out of the replicators. There was a certain something that the machines just could not duplicate.

"Are you sure you don't want to go?" Uhura asked.

Spock thought it over. Should he remain on the ship with McCoy, at least until the time of the meeting? Or should he allow the doctor some space?

"If you do decide to join the rest of us, will you bring along that lyre of yours?"

Spock was pleased that Uhura enjoyed his music. She was a keen judge with a voice to match. She could also play the instrument quite well herself.

"You may borrow it if you wish," he told her. "I can go retrieve it for you now, if you like."

"Really? Thank you."

Spock went to his cabin. He wondered if McCoy had gotten up yet. If he wasn't, Spock wasn't sure how late he should let his friend sleep.

It turned out that Spock needn't have been concerned. When he arrived, McCoy was already awake, and on his way out the door.

"Oh, hi Spock." He seemed somewhat self-conscious. "Listen, thank you for letting me spend the night in your cabin. I appreciated that," he gave a faint smile.

"It was no trouble, Doctor," Spock assured him.

"Hmph, I forgot. Vulcans find gratitude illogical." There was the slightest hint of affection in McCoy's voice. "It still meant a lot to me though. Just wanted you to know that."

"Where are you going?" Spock asked.

"Back to my cabin for now. I need to get cleaned up and rehearse what I'm going to say to Joanna."

"Do you desire company? Or would you prefer solitude?" If McCoy desired the former, Spock would remain as long as was necessary. If it was the latter, Spock would grant him his space.

"I'll be all right, don't worry about me,"

"If you are certain..." Spock's voice trailed off.

"Really, Spock. I'll be fine. don't let my family drama ruin what's left of your shore leave. I'd feel better knowing you were enjoying yourself. And before you ask, no, I don't have any plans on drinking to settle my nerves. The way my stomach's acting up I doubt it would stay down long enough to work, anyway."

"I have heard that ginger ale and soda crackers are supposed to be good for an unsettled stomach," Spock said.

"Heh, trying to give medical advise to a doctor, are ya?" McCoy's tone was almost teasing, but it was clear that he really wasn't in the mood for playful bantering.

"You should still try to eat something," Spock pointed out. "Missing a meal would not be healthy."

"I know, I know. I promise to try to eat at least a little bit, and I won't get drunk or skip the meeting with Joanna, all right?" McCoy's voice rose slightly on the last sentence.

Spock hadn't meant to upset McCoy. "I did not imply---"

McCoy cut him off. "I know you didn't Spock. I'm sorry. It's just... I'm already under enough pressure as it is. I don't want to be lectured right now."

McCoy was clearly on edge. This meeting was going to be difficult for him, painful. And there was nothing Spock could do about it. He still wasn't completely sure about leaving McCoy alone, but if it would upset him more if Spock stayed...

McCoy seemed to read Spock's thoughts. He had become quite skilled at doing so.

"Really, Spock. I promise I'll be fine. And I am sorry for snapping at you,"

"There is no need to apologize. I realize the stress that you are under."

Spock watched McCoy walk away. Only when McCoy disappeared around the corner did Spock finally enter his cabin to retrieve his lyre. It appeared that Uhura would have company after all.

* * *

Uhura was clearly pleased when Spock joined her in the transporter room. A few moments later they were on Risa, and Uhura led the way to a restaurant that had a favorable reputation.

They joined a few other ensigns who had already arrived. The younger crew members were quite excited to see that Spock had brought his lyre, and soon he and Uhura were being bombarded by requests.

Spock was too distracted to play anything that could be considered 'cheerful', but Uhura still seemed able to come up with some suitable lyrics all the same. People were convinced that the two rehearsed before hand, and refused to believe that they hadn't.

There was much cheering once Spock and Uhura's preformance was finished. Spock looked up to see a familiar looking girl approach them. It was Joanna McCoy.

"You guys are really good," she said shyly. Addressing Spock, she added, "Where'd you learn to play like that?"

Spock had learned from previous experience with humans that when they asked that question, they were usually refering to the person who taught him, not the location of his lessons.

"My father," he answered truthfully.

Joanna's expression wavered. Spock looked over her shoulder to see an older woman who was obviously Jocelyn sitting a few tables away, staring at them. A thin gentleman with vibrant red hair was seated next to her, also watching Joanna and Spock. That must be Gene.

At least Joanna had not run away again. McCoy certainly didn't need that to happen.

"That's nice," Joanna said finally. "I saw you yesterday in the transporter room. Mr. Spock, right?"

Spock nodded. "You are Joanna, correct?"

"Mmm-hmm. You and my dad, you two close?" There was a hint of hesitation in her voice.

Just where was she going with this conversation? And how far should Spock let it go? He had given Jim his word that he would not approach the McCoys... but now Joanna had approached him.

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	11. Chapter 11

**_Chapter 11 is now here!_**

* * *

Spock was having difficulty finding a logical solution to his dilemma. Here was Joanna, trying to converse with him after he had promised Jim that he would not approach her.

Spock glanced at the other crew members seated with him at the table. Although Uhura had enough respect not to gossip about McCoy, Spock was not as certain about the younger crew members. Even though they didn't appear to be paying him or Joanna much attention there was still a risk.

But what could he do? He could not make up excuses for not speaking with Joanna. For one thing, he was not skilled at falsehood, for another it might set off an emotional reaction that would do neither of them any good. All she wanted were answers...

_Answers that McCoy will give her, _Spock reminded himself.

Perhaps he was over thinking things. After all, she had only asked if he and McCoy were close. There was no reason for the conversation to take a more personal turn. What harm could there be in answering?

"Yes," he said simply.

"I was asking because the two of you had shown up together... and I saw how he grabbed your hand. Does he, I mean..." she took a deep breath. "Did he ever talk about me?"

Spock hadn't anticipated this question. He couldn't lie to her, but how could he answer in front of the other crew members?

He glanced over and caught Uhura's attention. She gave a slight smile and motioned for him to hand over the lyre.

Once he had, she stood up.

"Come on you guys. Why don't we go down to the beach? The rest of you can go swimming, and I want to hear how the music will sound with the waves in the background."

The group got up and left, glancing over their shoulders at Spock and Joanna as they did so. Spock realized that he would owe Uhura a favor at some point in the future.

Turning his attention back to Joanna, he answered her question. "He mentioned the divorce, and the fact that he had a daughter named Joanna that his wife had full custody of... but he was reticent on further details."

Joanna's face fell. "Oh," she said softly.

Spock tried to soften his words. "It was not out of any malice towards you. From what I have observed, your father prefers to keep his personal life private."

"Yeah... sure," Joanna said doubtfully.

"I know that he does not hate you," Spock said, trying to reassure her but wondering if he was doing the right thing.

"Then why did he leave me?" The pain in her voice was almost unbearable.

"He felt betrayed by what your mother had done. The notion that the two of you might not be blood relatives hurt him deeply."

"He hurt me!" Joanna choked out.

"I know," Spock said quietly. Perhaps he should change the subject. He remembered Jim's words about not talking to Joanna in McCoy's place. McCoy should be the one speaking these words.

But what could he talk about instead? He had to admit that he understood how Joanna felt. A father's rejection... be one human or Vulcan, it was still a terrible blow.

"You... you said your father taught you how to play that instrument?" Joanna's voice pulled Spock away from his thoughts.

"The lyre," he corrected her, somewhat confused by the change in topics. Perhaps discussing her own family had become too painful for her.

"Right, the lyre. Um, you and your Dad, are you close?"

Spock was taken aback by the question: it was so personal. Then again, humans did have a tendency to be quite forward at times. Especially the younger ones. What should he say? Should he tell her the truth? That he understood how she felt? It was such a private matter... he had not even voluntarily told Jim and McCoy about it. He had been forced to when his parents arrived on the ship.

It was not a question that could stop at a simple "No." Joanna would obviously want Spock to elaborate.

There was no need to give a long winded account, Spock tried to tell himself. All he had to do was answer her questions truthfully, straight to the point.

He still felt reluctant. However... if there was even the slighest possiblitly that it would help the McCoys... perhaps he should tell her.

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	12. Chapter 12

**_Chapter 12. Sorry for the delay. Real Life's been a problem._**

* * *

"What happened between you two?" Joanna asked sympathetically. Apparently Spock had been a quiet a bit too long for her; thus leading her to make---the correct, as it turned out---assumption.

"Did he find out that you weren't his?"

Spock supposed it was only logical that Joanna would make such an assumption, given that her own situation was at the forefront of her mind.

"No," he said in answer to her second question. Though he had anticipated her first question, it was still rather blunt, and it took him a moment before he could answer.

"My father wished for me to join the Vulcan Science Academy---"

"But you joined Starfleet instead," Joanna interrupted.

"Yes," Spock answered. It was a rather obvious deduction on her part. Also rather rude of her to interrupt while he was attempting to answer her question. Given both her age and her emotional situation, Spock decided not to press the matter.

"How mad was he?" Joanna asked, wide-eyed with curiosity.

"Vulcans do not experience anger," Spock told her. The skeptical look he got in response was not unlike the ones he would receive from McCoy. "Father was... displeased with my decision."

"Uh, huh," Joanna said slowly. "Okay, how 'displeased' was he?" She held up her hands and flexed her fingers on the word 'displeased.' Spock had witnessed the younger ensigns making such gestures in the past. From what he could gather based on context, it apparently meant disagreement with word choice.

Perhaps Joanna hadn't inherited her father's genes, but she was certainly showing signs of his attitude. Some of it might simply be her age, but there was a similarity to the doctor all the same.

"We ceased communication for a period of time," Spock finally answered.

"How long?" Joanna pressed. Spock was starting to feel that Joanna was being a bit---what was the Terran expression?---nosey. She seemed determined to hear the entire story. Just what was this fascination humans had with listening to other people's problems?

Spock reminded himself that the whole reason he had permitted this discussion to continue was the possibility of it helping the McCoys. All the same his human side was getting very uncomfortable discussing such personal matters, and prayed that it would actually work.

"Seventeen years," he told her.

Joanna let out a low whistle. "Just for not picking the job he wanted? That's not fair!"

Spock had nothing to say to that. The anger in Joanna's voice though... was she simply thinking of her own family's problems, or was she also getting upset on Spock's behalf? He had observed it happening with other humans---it was one of their finer qualities.

"So are you guys still not talking or what?"

"We have resumed communication," Spock said, hoping he wouldn't have to go into detail about the emergency surgery. For one thing, it was complicated. For another, he had no desire to frighten her. She should forgive her father because she chose to, not because she had been scared into thinking she had to or he would die before she got the chance.

"So he forgave you? Or... you forgave him?"

"In a manner of speaking," Spock said.

"But... how?" Joanna looked puzzled and sad.

Spock thought carefully about his next answer. It might make a difference in how Joanna responded to her father; or it might not make any difference at all. Spock need to be cautious.

"Forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting, despite the Terran expression," Spock told her. He remembered something his mother had once said to him.

"Often forgiveness is more beneficial to the one doing the forgiving, rather than the one who is being forgiven," he said.

Joanna nodded slowly, but she still appeared confused. "I guess," she mumbled. She glanced over at her mother and stepfather.

"I'd better get back now. I'm already in trouble as it is." She held out her hand, and Spock briefly shook it. "Thanks for talking to me," she added.

"You're welcome," Spock replied, in order to keep the conversation from being prolonged any more than was necessary.

Joanna smiled slightly before running off to rejoin her family. Spock leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, replaying the conversation in his mind.

Had he made any difference? If so, would it be positive or negative? He knew he would find out soon enough, one way or another.

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	13. Chapter 13

**_Finally, chapter 13 has arrived. I hope you enjoy it! ^_^ Thanks as always to J. Rosemary Moss for being my beta!_**

* * *

McCoy paced around his cabin like an animal in a cage. Every few moments he would sit down at either the desk or on his bed, only to spring back up and resume pacing once more. There was so much nervous energy pent up inside. Sadly the pacing wasn't helping him think.

He wasn't ready for this, he needed more time---no, that would only prolong things all the more. Maybe he could think more clearly if he could just relax... McCoy snorted. Relax, sure. How exactly was he supposed to do that?

As he had already told Spock, drinking was certainly out of the question. McCoy wasn't sure what that left. Spock would probably recommend meditation. McCoy shook his head. He didn't have the discipline for that kind of thing, and anyway his mind was going in so many directions that he'd never be able to get them to settle down.

McCoy sat back down at the desk and ran his fingers through his hair. God, he had made such a mess of things. Could Joanna ever forgive him? Should she forgive him?

Spoken language left him crippled. The words that were available were weak, pathetic, no where near close enough to describing how he felt. But those words were all that he had. He'd just have to make do.

As he stood up to begin another round of pacing, the door chimed.

"Come," McCoy said. _Wait, am I turning into Spock now? _"Come on in," he corrected himself. Had Spock come back to check on him?

It was Jim. "Hey, Bones," he said warmly.

"Hi," McCoy answered, sitting back down. He felt uneasy. Jim wasn't planning on lecturing him again, was he? McCoy was not in the mood. Jim didn't seem to be angry though.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing. Sulu mentioned seeing you head back to your cabin."

Apparently Jim knew about McCoy and Spock's little sleepover. McCoy tried to smile.

"I'm fine, Jim. Really," he added in response to Jim's skeptical look.

"Okay..." Jim said doubtfully. "If you say so."

The two men fell silent. It was only for a few moments, but McCoy quickly found the silence unbearable, and he began drumming his fingers on the desk. Finally he asked, "Anything else you wanted?"

"No," Jim answered. "Listen, if you would rather be alone right now---"

McCoy bit his lip. He didn't want to ruin Jim's shore leave any more than he wanted to ruin Spock's. But he was starting to hate being alone. He needed a distraction, something to fill the time until the meeting.

"No," McCoy found himself saying quickly, and a bit loudly.

"Okay, fine, I won't leave," Jim said gently, sitting on the edge of McCoy's bed.

McCoy glanced over at Jim. _He can't possibly just want to sit here. _But McCoy couldn't think of anything they could do. He did not want to go to the mess hall and deal with the other crew members, and he sure wasn't ready to go down to Risa yet.

If Jim was bored, he sure didn't show it. He gave McCoy a half smile. McCoy tried, and failed, to return it. Not knowing what else to do, McCoy resumed drumming his fingers on the desk.

McCoy took slow, deep breaths, trying to settle his nerves. He thought of Spock, who had let him spend the night in his cabin, even going so far as to lower the temperature so McCoy would be more comfortable. And Jim, though he had been terribly upset at learning McCoy's secret, still cared for him, and was willing to provide space or company depending on McCoy's needs.

McCoy did not deserve such good friends. But, strange as it was, he would not have met them had he not signed up for Starfleet. And he would not have signed up for Starfleet had Joanna's parentage not come into question---and had he not abandoned her. It was almost as if he had been rewarded for his cruelty.

McCoy was brought back to the present when he felt Jim cover his hand.

"Sorry," McCoy said. He guessed that his drumming fingers had started to become annoying.

"S'all right," Jim told him. "Listen, maybe we should find something to do to help you pass the time. Otherwise you're going to drive yourself crazy."

"Okay," McCoy nodded in cautious agreement. What did Jim have in mind? McCoy _really _was not ready to deal with the other crew members yet.

"Maybe I could teach you how to play chess. I've got a set back in my cabin, so we'll have some privacy. You've mentioned wanting to learn how to play."

McCoy almost managed a real smile. He had wanted to learn; sometimes while watching Jim and Spock play, he would call out, "I play losers!" But he had never really sat down for a lesson. Now didn't really seem to be the best time to start, either. How could he possibly focus on what Jim was saying?

"I know how distracted you are," Jim said, reading McCoy's thoughts. "I'm not expecting a serious match here. It's just a way to pass the time. What do you say?"

McCoy chewed his lip for a moment. "Sure," he said finally.

Jim held out a hand to help him stand up. Just before they left the cabin, Jim put his arm around McCoy's shoulder in a quick hug.

"Try to hang in there, okay?" Jim said softly.

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	14. Chapter 14

**_Here's chapter 14. Thank you to everyone who left a review, and to J. Rosemary Moss for being my beta._**

* * *

The chess match wasn't exactly going well. True, Jim hadn't been expecting a serious match, but he was starting to wish he had picked a different activity to pass the time.

Bones couldn't seem to shake the finger drumming habit, which made it hard for Jim to think of a move. And if he waited too long, Bones seemed to forget whose turn it was and would try to move again; sometimes with one of Jim's pieces. If the reason for Bones' being distracted wasn't so serious, his mistakes might have been funny.

_Thank God he didn't try to go back to work! _Jim was afraid to think of what would have happened had Bones tried to operate on anyone.

"Sorry, Jim," Bones apologized yet again, having forgotten his turn. "I just can't seem to focus."

"I already told you, it's no trouble. Though I guess this really isn't working to help you take your mind off of things, huh?"

"No," Bones sighed, leaning back in his chair, "it's not."

"Any idea when this meeting's supposed to be?" Jim asked. He wasn't sure how Bones would feel once the meeting was over, but it had to be an improvement over now. It was the waiting that drove a person crazy. Having that sword hanging over your head... It couldn't be easy for Joanna either, Jim knew. Or Jocelyn, for that matter.

"Just... sometime this evening. We... didn't exactly agree on a set time."

"Why not?" Jim was confused. That seemed to be a rather important thing to overlook. Bones had resumed drumming his fingers again. At least Jim could tell that Bones wasn't lying to avoid the meeting.

"I dunno... Jocelyn was upset with Joanna for running away, Joanna had been upset about learning the real reason I left, I was spooked about seeing Joanna again, and they had to let Gene know that Joanna was all right... there were just too many emotional things going on at once to have the talk right then. That's why we said we'd meet tonight."

"So, are they going to contact you when they are ready, and arrange a specific time then?"

"I guess," Bones said quietly, picking up Jim's queen and examining it.

"It's just a suggestion, but maybe you could contact them?" Jim didn't voice the idea that this would prove to Jocelyn and Joanna that Bones had no intention of running away.

Jim didn't know it, but the same thought had occurred to McCoy. He did want to prove to Joanna that he was willing to work things out, and this was a good place to start.

His mind was still torn in the two different directions of wanting to get things over with and delaying the inevitable for as long as possible. Waiting was making him physically ill, but so was the thought of going through with the meeting. He knew which side he should listen to though.

"Maybe," he said aloud, setting aside the chess piece and folding his arms.

"Do you want some privacy? I could step outside for a moment---"

"No, no, you can stay," McCoy swallowed hard. "I'm just going to arrange the meeting, nothing's going to get too personal." There was that, and the fact he still wasn't ready to be alone just yet.

He contacted the hotel on Jim's comunicator. A few moments later he was talking to Jocelyn.

"Um..." McCoy felt his throat start to close up. Jim reached out and lightly began rubbing his shoulder. Taking a deep breath, McCoy managed to spit out, "What time did you guys want to meet?"

"We were just discussing that," Jocelyn's voice was downright frosty. McCoy could almost swear that the temperature in the room dropped. "How about right after dinner? Is seven o'clock all right with you?"

"Nineteen hundred hours?" McCoy automatically switched to millitary time.

"Yes," Jocelyn said after a pause.

"Sounds---" McCoy stopped himself. It certainly did not sound _good, _but at least now he had a set time to work with.

"Oh, and one more thing: Gene will be attending the meeting."

McCoy nodded, then remembered that Jocelyn couldn't see him.

"That's fine. How's Joanna doing?"

"As well as could be expected. She hasn't tried to run away again at least."

"That's good," McCoy sighed with relief.

After deciding on the location---the family's hotel room---and a few closing words, the conversation ended.

McCoy collapsed on Jim's bed, feeling as though he'd just run a marathon.

"So, about five hours from now, then?"

McCoy nodded. Only five hours... they were going to be the longest five hours of his entire life.

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	15. Chapter 15

**_At long last, the newest chapter of Joanna. Please forgive the delay! And thanks to J. Rosemary Moss for being my beta._**

* * *

McCoy trudged to the transporter room like a man going to his own execution. Jim remained by his side the whole way, attempting to make small talk in order to appear normal in front of the other crew members. McCoy could only manage to grunt in reply. Even though no-one's life was in danger, he was scared as hell and knew he was failing at hiding it.

_This is it, it'll all be over soon, _McCoy told himself. He wondered if it was really fair to expect Joanna to make any decisions right now. She had only found out about her questionable origins twenty-four hours ago, wheras McCoy had had years to get used to the idea.

"Requesting permission to beam aboard, Captain."

Spock's voice coming in over the intercom made McCoy jump. He looked around, realizing he was in the transporter room.

Jim moved over to the controls. "Permission granted, Spock."

Spock materialized a few moments later. When he caught sight of McCoy, there was the strangest flicker of emotion in his eyes. It was there and gone so fast McCoy wondered if he had imagined it.

"Ready, Bones?" Jim asked, his voice thick with concern.

_No. _"Yes," McCoy answered, stepping onto the transporter as Spock stepped down.

"Good luck, Doctor."

McCoy halted. Had he heard Spock right? He looked over his shoulder at Jim, who looked just as surprised as he felt. Apparently he _had _heard Spock correctly.

"A human custom Spock?" McCoy asked, trying---and failing---to keep his tone light.

"The situation seems to warrant it," Spock answered softly.

McCoy found himself swallowing the lump in his throat. "Thanks," he managed to say, reaching out his hand. Spock gave it a brief squeeze.

"Yeah, good luck Bones," Jim said warmly. Noticing that McCoy was wiping his eyes on his sleeve, Jim added, "Try to practice a little Vulcan stoicism, okay?"

The corners of McCoy's mouth twitched. He tended to give Spock a hard time for his emotional restraint; right now though, he was starting to wish that he had asked for lessons.

"We'll be here if you need us," Jim promised.

McCoy felt the familiar sensation of teleportation overwhelm him. Upon opening his eyes, he saw that he now stood in front of the hotel.

His heart was pounding so hard he half expected his ribs to break. Wiping his sweaty palms on his trouser legs, he made his way inside.

* * *

Back on the ship, Jim stared at the empty space where Bones had stood.

"I hope things work out for him," Jim muttered, more to himself than Spock. He wasn't very confident though. Bones' actions, though understandable, had been downright cruel. Forgiveness would not come easily.

"As do I, Captain," Spock said thoughtfully. "I shall be in my cabin if you have need of me."

"All right, Spock."

Jim had to admit that as much as he cared for Bones, it had been draining keeping him company. He understood why Spock had been in need of a reprieve, especially given the Vulcan's usual aversion to emotional situations. Spock had stayed by Bones' side all night, and since he was a touch-telepath, he had felt Bones' intense guilt first hand. Spock had probably been in great need of meditation after that.

Jim was grateful that Spock had made it back in time to wish Bones luck. It had meant a great deal to the doctor, Jim knew, and he knew that Spock had realized it as well.

Jim left the transporter room, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Spock might claim to be emotionless, but he was far more compassionate than many "emotional" humans Jim knew.

As he walked down the hall he could see two young ensigns in front of him, engaged in conversation. He didn't pay them much attention at first, but then a familiar name struck his ear, and his breath caught in his throat.

"Doesn't Doctor McCoy have a daughter named Joanna?"

"I thought it was Jocelyn."

"No, that's the name of his ex-wife."

"So that kid is Doctor McCoy's daughter?"

"Don't know who else she could be. She asked Mr. Spock if he and her father were close."

"Sure she ain't the Captain's kid? The way he sleeps around..."

"I don't think so, I'm pretty sure she's the doctor's daughter. Didn't you hear that southern twang in her voice?"

"Sure did. I wonder why she looked so sad when she asked Mr. Spock if her father ever talked about her."

"I wonder what his answer was..."

The two wandered out of earshot, but Jim remained where he was. _Damnit, Spock. You gave your word. _He told himself to calm down. After all, he had heard only part of the story.

Spock may be honest(not to mention literal) to a fault, but he also wasn't one for long winded advice. Just because he truthfully---and Jim knew it had to have been truthfully---answered Joanna's question, didn't mean he had also given advice on how Joanna should deal with her father.

Still, Jim decided to confront Spock. In a calm, civilized manner---preferably in Spock's own cabin. He did not wish to draw even more attention to the situation than there already was. Besides, it was hard to be angry with someone when their intentions were pure. _You still don't know for sure what happened, all you have is hearsay-an overheard conversation._

On his way down the hall, he ran into Uhura. She was carrying Spock's lyre.

"Oh, hello Captain," she said, smiling.

"Lt. Uhura. How's your shore leave going?"

"Wonderfully, thank you. I just wanted to return Spock's lyre before dinner."

Jim got an idea. "You can just give it to me; I'll make sure he gets it."

"Thank you, I appreciate it," she said, handing him the instrument. "Thank him for me for letting me borrow it, won't you?"

"I will." Jim was tempted to ask her if she knew anything about Spock's conversation with Joanna, but decided against it. Uhura was not prone to gossip, especially if it was the kind that could be hurtful. And as trustworthy as her statement might be, it was still from a third party. Jim needed to hear what had happened from Spock's own lips.

"Come," Spock answered when Jim showed up outside his cabin.

Jim entered to find Spock sitting cross legged on the floor, eyes closed.

"Hello, Spock," Jim said evenly. "Uhura wanted to return your lyre, and she thanks you for letting her borrow it."

"I sense that there is something else on your mind, Captain, and that the returning of the lyre was your excuse to approach me."

Jim smiled in spite of himself. "Oh? And how did you figure that?"

"There is the faintest trace of annoyance in your voice. That, combined with the fact that Uhura could have returned the lyre herself tells me that there is more on your mind."

Had Uhura told Jim about Spock's encounter with Joanna? Somehow Spock doubted it. She had, after all, lured the ensigns away, so it seemed unlikely that she would then turn around and tell Jim what had happened.

The ensigns might have said something though. Perhaps that was what was on Jim's mind. Spock's conversation with Joanna had taken place directly after Jim's direct orders not to approach her. And now the Captain had arrived at his cabin visibly annoyed. It seemed to be the most logical conclusion.

"Refresh my memory Spock."

Spock was tempted to say that there was nothing faulty about Jim's memory but kept quiet, suspecting that the Captain was just using a strange Terran expression.

"Did I not specifically tell you not to approach Bones' family?"

"You did, and I did not. Joanna approached me. I merely answered her questions."

"You knew what I had meant Spock," Jim said sternly. "Now what did she say to you, and what did you say in return?"

Spock had a feeling that Jim did not truly mean he wanted a word for word recap of the conversation, just an accurate summation.

"Uhura and I were preforming music at one of the local resteraunts. It turned out that Joanna and her family were there as well, but I was unaware of that fact until she approached me."

Jim had a look on his face that said more clearly than words: _Get to the point._

Spock then explained how Joanna had recognized him from the transporter room, and that she had asked if he was close with her father.

"Then what?" Jim asked, leaning forward on Spock's desk.

"She asked if her father had spoken of her often. I was forced to be honest."

Jim wanted to say that no-one had been holding a knife to Spock's throat. Even though he had known that Spock's answer had to have been honest, he couldn't help feeling that Spock should have told a white lie.

_Joanna's fifteen, not an idiot,_Jim reminded himself. Since she now knew the real reason that Bones had left for Starfleet, it was doubtful she'd believe that he was freely talking about her with his shipmates.

Spock said that the conversation then shifted: Joanna had wanted to know how well he got along with his own father; the subject being triggered by Spock's explaining that Sarek had taught him how to play the lyre.

"Sarek taught you? Really? I didn't know that." Jim was starting to get confused. Spock was an extemely private person. He did not easily volunteer personal information to his own friends. So why did he tell Joanna, a total stranger, such things?

"She asked me directly," Spock answered Jim's unspoken question. "I gave her a somewhat condensed version of events."

"What then?"

Spock paused in thought. "She wanted to know how I could forgive my father for his treatment of me."

Jim hadn't really thought of it before, but Spock's experience with Sarek was similar to Bones and Joanna. Both men had, in their own ways, cut themselves off from their kids. Was that why Spock had opened up to Joanna, and was determined to help Bones beyond what was nescessary?

"I explained to her that forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting, and that forgiving is often more beneficial to the one doing the forgiving than the one being forgiven. It was stated as a suggestion. Joanna has a mind and will of her own. The decision to forgive McCoy is still hers and hers alone to make."

"But your advice might influence her decision Spock," Jim tried to explain, even as he silently admitted that Spock's statement about forgiveness was correct.

"Her mother and stepfather's comments might well do the same thing, intentional or not," Spock pointed out. "You cannot say that my words alone have any impact. If we are to follow your theory to its logical conclusion---"

"Okay, okay! Point taken," Jim said, throwing up his hands.

"Look, Spock," he said more calmly. "I want things to work out for Bones and Joanna too. I'm just worried that this may not be the best way to go about it. You may have done the wrong thing."

"I respect your viewpoint Captain, but I cannot undo what's already been done."

Jim sighed. "I know. For what it's worth, you did it for the right reasons. Bones is lucky to have a friend like you."

Was Spock actually blushing? After a moment the Vulcan said softly, "You are a good friend to him as well."

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	16. Chapter 16

**_Thanks as always goes to J. Rosemary Moss for being my beta. Here's chapter 16._**

* * *

_"Practice a little Vulcan stoicism."_

Jim's words echoed in McCoy's skull. McCoy knew what Jim had meant: Don't let Jocelyn, Gene, or even Joanna push your buttons. Don't allow this meeting to turn into a screaming match.

McCoy had no intention of doing that. And despite her numerous faults, he knew that Jocelyn didn't want that either. It would only make things harder for Joanna. That's why Gene was attending the meeting, to make things easier for her. Since Gene seemed to have Joanna's best interests at heart he might not be intervening much in the actual discussion--perhaps just providing moral support.

Then again, he might feel a need to protect her... McCoy shook his head. Following the clerk's instructions, he made his way to the correct room.

Before he could even knock, the door opened and he was face-to-face with Jocelyn. Over her shoulder he could see Joanna and the man who must be Gene sitting on a couch. They stood up as McCoy entered.

McCoy noticed that Gene kept one hand on Joanna's shoulder, as if to reassure her of his presence. That was like an icicle twisting in McCoy's heart--knowing that his daughter needed reassurance because of the pain he had caused.

Introductions were made as McCoy and Gene shook hands. Whatever Gene's opinions of McCoy were, he kept them to himself. The adults kept their tones civil, but there was a layer of tension brewing underneath---a volcano threatening to erupt.

Joanna herself was clearly agitated, chewing on her lip, clenching and unclenching her fists. McCoy wanted to speak, but the words he had rehearsed over and over again left him the moment he had laid eyes on her. All that remained was, "I'm sorry," and "I still love you."

It was Joanna who broke the silence.

"You really weren't going to tell me at all, were you?"

Jocelyn looked pained. Slowly she shook her head.

"Why not?" Joanna yelled, and her mother flinched.

"I didn't want to hurt you, Joanna---"

"Didn't want to hurt me? I have no idea who my real father is anymore! He might be some weirdo I've never met."

McCoy want to intervene, but it was as if his throat had been sealed shut. He supposed it was better than blurting out something stupid or hurtful.

"I might be a mistake! Isn't that what you're trying to say? I'm only here because you were a slut."

"You watch your mouth, young lady. I am still your mother, and I won't allow you to talk to me that way."

"How do I know you're not lying about that?" Joanna shot back.

"Joanna..." McCoy said softly in a warning tone, finally finding his voice. Joanna gave him a dirty look, then went quiet.

"You were not a mistake, Joanna," Jocelyn insisted. "I've never regretted having you, not for one second."

Joanna stared at her mother, her face a mixture of sadness and anger.

"What I do regret is not telling you and your father the truth sooner. Maybe if I had, we wouldn't be in this mess now."

"By my father, who did you mean? Dad..." Joanna looked over at McCoy, "or that guy you were---"

"Both," Jocelyn interrupted.

Gene hadn't spoken yet, though he had given Joanna a warning glare when she had called her mother a slut. McCoy supposed that the guy had decided to lend moral support, rather than play the part of a referee. He was probably safer that way.

McCoy wondered what Gene thought of all this. The man now knew that his wife had been unfaithful twice in her previous marriage. He also knew that his predecessor had abandoned Joanna when her parentage had come into question.

Gene clearly cared for Joanna. He wanted to adopt her, for Christ's sake. And he was willing to attend this stress-filled meeting. The guy knew full well that Joanna wasn't his, but he didn't love her any less.

But McCoy had to wonder what sort of impact the knowledge of Jocelyn's two-time cheating would have on their marriage. Such actions didn't exactly inspire trust. Would Gene still want to remain a part of Joanna's life, even if his marriage to Jocelyn didn't work out?

"Do you want to have the paternity test done?" Jocelyn asked, pulling McCoy from his thoughts.

"Who are you asking?" Joanna responded. "I think Dad's already made up his mind, haven't you?"

McCoy swallowed hard. "If you want to have the test done, I'll do it."

Joanna looked him dead in the eye---and dared to ask the question that McCoy had been dreading. "And what will happen if I'm not yours? You going to run away again?"

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	17. Chapter 17

**_Happy Father's Day, everyone! Chapter 17 of Joanna is here! Thanks to J. Rosemary Moss for being my beta._**

* * *

McCoy's throat constricted. Would he run away? No, not again. He wanted back in Joanna's life. He should be asking her if _she _still wanted _him_. Of course, he had to finish out his term on the Enterprise. He may have ran away from his family in order to serve, but he couldn't just turn around and run away from his duties to Starfleet either. This time around, neither he nor his family were in any immediate danger, and the consequences for ditching Starfleet would be quite severe. Hard to be there for your daughter when you've gone AWOL. As soon as his term was over he'd come back.

McCoy realised he had better say something fast before his silence was interpreted as an answer in itself.

"No, Joanna. I won't run away again. I promise," he licked his lips, which left dry and chapped. "I made a terrible mistake, I know that now. And I... I'm sorry."

Joanna looked doubtful. She kept glancing from one adult to another.

"We don't have to do the test if you don't want to," Jocelyn assured her.

"I... I don't know," Joanna swallowed hard. "Would he... that guy you, I mean, if _he's _my dad... would we... tell him?"

"We might."

"That'll go over great," Joanna muttered sarcastically. "I'll just show up at his door and say, 'Hey, remember that doctor's wife you fucked fifteen years ago? Guess what? You had a daughter! Me!"

"Watch your language, Joanna! Don't make me tell you again," Jocelyn scolded.

Joanna's crude language aside, McCoy had to admit that she had a point. This revelation had already turned their lives upside down, and nothing had even been made certain yet. Granted, half of that was due to the way he had acted, but still... Could they really just disrupt the life(lives, if this guy already had a family) of a total stranger?

Joanna hadn't said anything yet about forgiving McCoy, not that he was expecting her to. _This is all still new to her,_ he reminded himself. He shouldn't expect her to forgive him overnight, if at all.

"What if we don't get the test done?" Joanna asked slowly. "What then?"

All eyes turned to McCoy, waiting for an answer.

McCoy took a deep breath. "When... I first learned that you might not be mine, I was devastated. And I did a terrible, horrible thing. I focused on only my feelings, instead of thinking of the impact that this would have on you." His eyes stung with tears, and a lump rose in his throat.

Suddenly, it was as if a dam had burst; and all of the words that had abandoned him earlier suddenly flooded from his mouth, as he attempted to both explain his previous actions and how his mind had changed since.

"I had thought it was the news of your questionable origin that had taken you away from me, taken away the best thing that had ever happened to me in my life... But I was wrong, _dead _wrong. The only person who ruined our relationship was _me. _Not you, not Jocelyn. I've had three years to dwell on that mistake."

He forced himself to stop for a moment, to breathe. Everyone else remained quiet, not even Joanna attempted to fire off a sarcastic remark. They all seemed to sense just how hard this was for him to say.

When McCoy finally spoke again, it was so quietly that they had to lean forward a bit to hear him.

"I know now what a father is. I had been a father to you in every way that mattered. I was the one who had raised you, taught you how to walk, to ride a bike... When I remember the first time I ever held you..." McCoy looked up, locking eyes with Joanna.

"Whether or not we're blood relatives, you are my daughter. I know that now. I also know that I've probably learned that lesson too late."

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	18. Chapter 18

**_Well, you're probably getting annoyed with me. I take forever to update, and when I do, the chapters are short. If anybody is still reading this, I thank you for your patience. Thanks also goes as always to J. Rosemary Moss for being my beta._**

* * *

There was a long stretch of silence seemed to last forever as McCoy waited for a response from Joanna. He didn't know what to expect; but he braced himself for rejection. She had every right to do so, and he would deserve it. She shouldn't be forced to forgive him to make him feel better.

Gene and Jocelyn were waiting as well. Apparently they had decided to leave the decision up to Joanna. McCoy was relieved about that at least. Despite Jocelyn's affair, this matter was now between him and Joanna. As he had told her, it was his actions that had caused the rift in their relationship.

It was a little unsettling that Joanna wasn't saying anything. No sarcastic remarks, no implied forgiveness, nothing. The silence was almost suffocating. McCoy was willing to endure it though, however long it took. At the same time, he feared he might go insane from not knowing.

Finally, just when McCoy was sure that he could bear it no longer, Joanna spoke.

"Guess we're done here then?" she asked quietly.

"What do you mean dear?" Jocelyn asked her.

"Well, Dad still doesn't want to take the test, I think it's pointless to take the test 'cause the guy you slept with probably wouldn't want me. Dad's apologised, what else is there to do? Unless Gene wants to ask Dad about adopting me, since that's how this whole mess started in the first place."

Gene and McCoy exchanged a look.

"We can save that for another time, Joey," Gene answered.

_Joey? _McCoy wondered, caught off guard. That this (to him) total stranger would be close enough to his daughter to give her a nickname... _That's what you get for not sticking around._

"Okay," Joanna said quietly. Then to McCoy, "Did you mean that? What you just said?"

"Every word," McCoy swore.

"That's something, I guess." She seemed to think for a moment. "Someone told me once that forgiving somebody is better for the person doing the forgiving than the one that's being forgiven. But... I'm not sure about that."

McCoy understood Joanna's mixed feelings. Spock had offered him similar advice when McCoy had been complaining once about Jocelyn's second affair after a night of drinking.

On the one hand, forgiving someone seemed to be letting the person who wronged you off the hook for what they had done. In a sense giving them permission to do it again.

On the other hand, all holding on to anger and resentment seemed to do was prevent you from being happy because your mind is so caught up in obsessing over what had happened. Meanwhile, the person who wronged you is probably going on happily with their own lives, not even thinking about you at all.

It was strange that for someone who valued logic above all else would sometimes be so wise when it came to the matter of emotions. McCoy supposed some of it came from Spock's experiences with both of his parents, Sarek in particular.

McCoy hadn't been able to forgive Jocelyn for either affair. He didn't know if he ever could. Perhaps he should try harder to do so. He supposed he might have to, in order to remain part of Joanna's life.

That was, of course, assuming she ever forgave him. But he would still make himself available so he would be there if or when she was ready.

Everyone stood up together.

"So this is it then?" Joanna asked.

"For now," McCoy said. "Shore Leave ends tomorrow..." his voice trailed off, as he was uncertain of what to add.

"We were planning on staying until the end of the week," Gene told him.

"I hope the rest of your vacation goes well," McCoy managed to say, his voice hoarse. All he wanted to do right now was return to the ship and catch his breath.

"Thank you," Gene said sincerely as he shook McCoy's hand. "Maybe we can arrange for another time to discuss the adoption arrangements, what do you think?" The last question was directed at Joanna.

"That would be okay."

"There are still two years left in the mission," McCoy told them, "Maybe the next time Shore Leave comes up?"

"I guess," said Joanna.

McCoy stood in the doorway for a long moment, staring at his daughter. She didn't make any move to hug him, not that he really expected her to, even though he longed to hold her. There wasn't even an offer of a handshake.

_Give her time, don't push her._

Eyes blurred with tears, McCoy left the hotel.

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	19. Chapter 19

**_Here's chapter 19, thanks for all the reviews!_**

* * *

"Begging your pardon, Doctor, but are you all right? You're looking as pale as death."

McCoy tried to smile. Before he had returned to the ship he had made a detour into a restroom to splash cold water on his face. Unfortunately, his eyes were still red rimmed and swollen.

"I'm all right, Scotty. Just a little tired is all. Um, have you seen Spock or Jim?" McCoy had a desperate need for company.

"I believe I saw the Captain heading towards Mr. Spock's cabin about an hour ago." Scotty clearly was not entierly sold on McCoy's claims of being all right, but respected the doctor's privacy enough not to pry.

"Thank you," McCoy said quietly. He wondered if his friends had been talking about him. It wouldn't surprise him if they had.

It was a long walk down the hall. Fortunately, due to the lateness of the hour there wasn't as many crew members milling about.

Jim was there to greet McCoy almost the instant the doctor entered Spock's cabin.

"Hey, Bones. We were hoping to meet you when you got back. Sorry we missed you."

"S'all right," McCoy told him.

Spock stood up and Jim ushered McCoy into the vacated seat. As McCoy passed between them, he could almost swear that a look passed between the two of them. But it passed so quickly that he could not be sure.

"How'd it go?" Jim asked, placing his hand on McCoy's shoulder. Until that moment, McCoy hadn't realised how much he had needed physical contact, and found himself reaching out for Spock's hand as well. There was a flicker of surprise in the Vulcan's eyes as Spock accepted the gesture.

Jim had once told McCoy that he considered the doctor and Spock to be his anchors. When things seemed hopeless, he could turn to them for guidance and strength. Now that McCoy was in trouble, he found himself doing the same thing. He didn't know what he would have done had his friends deserted him. Even though he still felt undeserving of their loyalty, he decided to stop questioning it and be grateful that he was not alone.

"Better than I thought it would," McCoy said in answer to Jim's question. That was true. Most things one anticipates as being dreadful usually are not nearly as terrible as their imagination makes it out to be. That didn't mean that the experience itself would be pleasant or enjoyable; just not as horrible.

"Glad to hear that," Jim said warmly.

"Joanna's going to need time, I know that."

"I sense that there is something else troubling you McCoy. Did---" For a split second, Spock actually stumbled over his words, "Did something happen during the meeting?"

Was it McCoy's imagination, or had Jim shot Spock another look?

"Not really at the meeting... Did I tell you how Joanna found out about... us?"

"She overheard her mother and stepfather talking, right?" Jim answered.

"The thing is... what they were talking about..." McCoy swallowed hard. "Gene, Joanna's stepfather, he... wants to adopt Joanna. To legally become her father."

"You are against the idea," Spock deduced. "Do you believe him to be an unfit guardian?"

"No, no. Far from it. He's certainly a better father than I am. It's just..."

"You don't like the idea of someone else raising her," Jim guessed, and McCoy nodded.

"But I think I've given up my right to forbid the adoption. I mean... I _left, _just ran away. What right do I have to keep someone who wants to raise Joanna from doing so?"

"But if you do just allow him to adopt Joanna, she might see it as another form of rejection, that you don't want to be part of her life."

"Yeah, but..." McCoy trailed off.

"Given the dangers of our careers, it might be wise to have someone to raise Joanna in the event you should perish." Those who did not know Spock very well would have thought him cold blooded to phrase things so bluntly; but McCoy had come to learn to pick up the slight change in pitch to Spock's voice whenever the Vulcan was in emotional distress.

No doubt Spock was thinking of McCoy's close brushes with death over the years. McCoy certainly was, as well as those of his friends, and the ensigns who had not made it. He wanted Joanna to be cared for if anything happened to him. Gene had already done a great job so far, why not make it legal?

But Jim was right as well. Going through with the adoption would look like abandonment to Joanna.

"Does Joanna even want Gene to adopt her? If she doesn't, Gene can't force her to."

McCoy remembered what Joanna had told him in the transporter room yesterday(Was it really only yesterday? It felt like years.) That her first reaction had been the desire to yell that McCoy was her father, no one else. Did she still feel that way, or had her mind changed since then?

* * *

**_To be continued. _**


	20. Chapter 20

**__**

Sorry, sorry, sorry! I know it's been a long time since I last updated. What can I say? Real life's been keeping me busy. Anyway, here's the latest chapter of Joanna. I hope you like it.

* * *

"Bones? Bones!" Jim's voice snapped McCoy out of his trance.

"Huh?" he asked, startled.

"You drifted away from us for awhile there," Jim said gently.

"Sorry, I was just... thinking. About what a mess of things I made by running away. What was it you said once Spock? That the healthy release of emotions is unhealthy to those around you?"

"But you're taking the steps to set things right Bones," Jim reminded him.

"I know, it's just... I hate myself for abandoning Joanna. For not realising that she is my daughter, genetics or not. If I could just go back and undo it..."

"You cannot," Spock said softly.

"You think I don't know that?" McCoy snapped at him, then immediately felt guilty. "I... I'm sorry Spock. I know you're just trying to help."

"So does Joanna want her stepfather to adopt her?" Jim asked.

"I... don't really know. She told me when she first heard them talking her first instinct was to yell that I was her father, but then... well, you know. She may have changed her mind since then."

"Perhaps not," Spock pointed out.

"Maybe..." McCoy said thoughtfully. "I just don't want to make the wrong choice again. Joanna and I just can't go back to our old places like nothing ever happened."

"No-one is saying you should, Bones," Jim told him. "But this might go a long way to proving to Joanna that you are sincere about setting things right."

"Tomorrow, before we depart, it may be wise to have another conversation with Joanna to find out her wishes," Spock suggested.

McCoy groaned. "God, that first meeting was rough enough on all of us. I don't think I'm ready for round two."

"The alternative is to have this adoption situation hanging over both your heads in the meantime. You can't wait the two years left in our mission, Bones. You say you don't want to make another mistake, then prove it. Talk to Joanna before you leave. And Gene and Jocelyn as well. The latter two might not be happy about it, but it is Joanna's choice to make, and from what you've told me they will respect that choice."

Jim was right of course, McCoy knew that. _If you survived the first meeting, you can survive the second,_ he told himself, not entierly sure he believed it.

"You are exhausted Doctor. It would be best if you got some sleep."

McCoy supressed a yawn. "Don't you ever get tired of being right? Figure of speech, Spock!"

Jim chuckled, but McCoy noticed that there was still that same strange look in the captain's eyes when he glanced over at Spock.

"Guess I should head back to my cabin then," McCoy said, but made no move to leave. He knew he probably should; Spock had been nice enough to share his room for one night, two might be pushing it.

"You are welcome to stay if you do not wish to be alone," Spock told him, sharing another glance with Jim. Apparently, Spock was willing to extend the offer to Jim if McCoy desired his presence as well.

"Do you want me to stay Bones?" Jim asked, reading McCoy's thoughts.

McCoy felt his eyes sting with tears. It seemed to be happening to him a lot lately. He wondered if his eyes would ever dry up.

He glanced around the cabin, wondering who would get the bed. It should probably go to Spock, since he was nice enough to give it up the first time around. Or maybe they could play a few games of "rock paper scissors" to decide...

As if reading McCoy's mind, Jim said, "I'll just stay until you fall asleep, all right?"

McCoy nodded. "Sounds good." Turning to Spock, he said, "Am I to assume no drinks will be offered? Nothing alcholic at least?"

"That would be an accurate assumption."

"Thought so." McCoy smirked at Jim. "Spock doesn't want me to be hung over when I meet with Joanna tomorrow."

"He's probably got a point there, Bones," Jim said, smiling.

For awhile the three lapsed into silence, which was only broken when McCoy began drumming his fingers on the desk. Jim, who had had to listen to McCoy's finger drumming for most of the day, put his hand over McCoy's to get him to stop.

"Sorry, Jim. So... now what? We braid each other's hair?"

"I do not believe our hair is the correct legnth for---"

"That was a joke, Spock! Honestly, you really are too literal sometimes," McCoy said, laughing in spite of himself. Jim joined in.

When he finally regained control, Jim said, "Okay Bones, I really think you should consider getting some sleep now. I'll try to come back early enough tomorrow morning so that we can have breakfast together, all right?"

"Sure," McCoy said, standing up. He glanced over at Spock.

"You would be more rested on the bed," Spock answered McCoy's unspoken question.

"Just making sure." McCoy stertched himself out on the bed, keeping his eyes on his friends the whole time.

Spock took the vacated chair, and Jim perched himself on the edge of the desk. Silence stretched out between them once more, only this time it remained unbroken until McCoy had fallen asleep. Only then did Jim and Spock begin to converse, in hushed tones.

"Glad it wasn't a complete disaster," Jim whispered.

"You are also no doubt relieved that my conversation with Joanna apparently had little influence on the proceedings."

"So far, anyway. There's still this whole adoption business. But you're right, Joanna will still be making up her own mind. Still Spock, if a similar situation ever occurs, just keep the talking between the three of us, all right?"

Spock nodded, and the two of them went back to watching McCoy sleep.

"Poor Bones is going to need a vacation after this vacation," Jim said ruefully. "I'll have him put on rested leave." He told Spock about the attempted chess lessons, and how distracted McCoy had been. "I don't think I trust him to try operating on anyone."

"His mind might be clearer once this meeting is over and he knows for certain where his relationship with Joanna stands."

"Maybe. Better safe than sorry tough, right?"

"Perhaps," Spock said, a faint trace of doubt creeping into his voice. For all the doctor's lectures to his friends to rest, McCoy sometimes had trouble following his own advice. Spock also understood the need to be productive, useful. McCoy had a similar drive and might not know what to do with all that spare time. Jim was correct too though. If McCoy was distracted, it might not be safe for his patients.

Jim yawned and stretched. "It's really getting late now. I think I'll head off to bed. Good night, Spock." Hopping down from the desk, he walked over to the bed and patted McCoy's shoulder. " 'Night, Bones," he whispered.

After Jim left, Spock resumed watching McCoy. So far, the doctor's sleep remained peaceful. Spock hoped it remained so. If that failed to be the case, Spock was ready to intervene, as he had the night before. This method of helping at least had no potential for negative consequences. That much he knew for certain.

* * *

**_To be continued... I promise!_**


	21. Chapter 21

**__**

If anyone is still reading this, chapter 21 is now here!

* * *

"What the hell do you think you're doing putting me on rested leave?" Bones growled as he stormed into Jim's cabin.

_Damn it,_ Jim thought. _How did he find out so quickly? I wanted to be the one to tell him. Did Spock break the news to him?_

"You've been under a lot of stress, Bones. I figured you needed a rest---"

"I don't need rest, Jim. I need work. I can't just sit around in my cabin doing nothing."

"Look I just think it would be better for you and---"

"And the other crew members right? You don't think I can handle doing my job now?"

"You're just very distracted at the moment, and you might not be able to---"

"What makes you so sure I can't perform my duties?"

"Would you stop interrupting me please? Let me finish. Now when we were playing that chess game yesterday you couldn't focus at all. You were making mistakes left and right. I can't take the risk involving human lives---"

"That was _chess, _Jim! Moving small pieces of plastic on three tire boards. That was nothing. When it comes to important things I _can _focus. I am a professional physician, Jim. I can shut down my emotions and go into full Vulcan mode when necessary. How else do you think I can manage treating you and Spock whenever you get yourselves badly hurt---"

"Okay, okay! Try to calm down, Bones. I think they can hear you in the hallway."

Bones took a slow deep breath and rubbed his eyes. "Look," he said more calmly. "I need to work, Jim. I need something to focus on now. My job is the only place where I can fully have my mind on something else."

A semi-smile flickered across the doctor's face. "Spock might think I'm too emotional for this, but I can do it. I could expect this kind of response from him, but I'm a little surprised to see it come from you. I guess I thought you would understand."

_Apparently Bones didn't find out from Spock,_ Jim thought, remembering his conversation with the Vulcan the night before.

"I do understand, Bones, really. But there have been times when my emotions started to interfere with my ability to perform my duties and you and Spock had to ask me to step down."

"That's true, I guess."

"For what it's worth, Bones, Spock was not convinced that placing you on leave was the best choice."

"Is that so?" Bones asked with some surprise.

"Mmmm-hmmm. He said your mind might clear up once you know for sure how Joanna feels about being adopted by Gene."

Bones snorted. "It doesn't quite work that way, I'm afraid. Still, Spock's usually the one who says my emotions interfere with my ability to do my job. I would have thought he'd have gone along with you instead of defending me."

"He really does care about you Bones, as do I. That's why I had you put on rested leave. You haven't had any rest on this vacation and this business with Joanna has been extremely stressful on you."

"You still should have asked me first!" Bones said, getting angry again.

"You'd have refused," Jim pointed out with a sigh. Arguing with either Bones or Spock tended to be difficult because the two had so much practice with each other. Maybe a different tactic was needed.

"Bones," Jim said gently, "If our roles were reversed, if it were me going through all of this, what would you advise?"

Bones went quiet. "Rested leave," he almost whispered. "But Jim," he continued, his voice returning to normal, "I swear to you I can handle working, and it would be better for me than just doing nothing in my cabin."

"All right, all right," Jim said, throwing up his hands. He thought for a moment. "Look, maybe we can reach a compromise. Perhaps cut your work time in half, and have Dr. M'Benga pick up the extra work."

"Fine," Bones said, slumping against Jim's desk. "And if it looks even slightly like I'm not focused on my work he and Nurse Chapel can have me taken off duty."

Jim was shocked to hear Bones agree so quickly, given how insistent he was on continuing work.

"That's because I know I won't be relieved of duty," Bones said, reading Jim's thoughts. "And honestly, do you really think I would risk the health and safety of my patients? I know my limitations, Jim."

"Not all the time you don't," Jim told him. "But I am sorry I didn't tell you upfront. It would have been better coming from me."

Bones sighed. "I don't know where Joanna stands on being adopted. Even if she doesn't, that doesn't mean she'll want me back in her life anytime soon. Right now, my work is all I have. When I found out it was going to be taken away from me, even temporarily, I panicked."

Jim reached over and rubbed Bones' arm. "I wish I had some magic words to make everything all right again."

"Thanks, I know that. And I understand why you put me on leave, believe me. I just..." his voice trailed off.

"Shore leave ends at fifteen hundred hours," Jim said quietly. "If you're going to talk to Joanna again, you don't have much time."

"I... I'll go now. Will you come with me? Just to the transporter room, I mean."

"Sure thing, Bones," Jim said warmly, giving the doctor's shoulder a squeeze. They were interrupted by the buzz of the door.

"Come in," Jim called out, and the door opened to reveal Spock.

The Vulcan's gaze drifted back and forth between the two men, the faintest trace of uncertainty in his eyes.

"It's all right, Spock," Bones told him. "I'm guessing word got back to you that I found out that Jim had placed me on leave, and you were trying to get back here in time to prevent a fight, am I right?"

"An accurate summation of events, Doctor."

"We managed to come to an understanding, Spock. Bones is about to head back down to Risa. What do you say we keep him company on the way to the transporter room?"

"Certainly. That is, if the Doctor continues to desire my presence."

"He does," Bones said with a slight smile. "Thank you, Spock."

"Gratitude is unnecessary, Doctor. As your friend, I am more than willing to assist you when the need arises.


	22. Chapter 22

**__**

Hope everyone's holiday season is going well. Here's the latest chapter of Joanna.

* * *

In his rush, McCoy forgot to leave a message at the hotel to let his ex wife and daughter know that he was coming. Thus when he knocked on the door to their hotel room he found Jocelyn was there alone.

"Joanna wanted to talk to Gene in private," Jocelyn said, not inviting McCoy in. He didn't fault her for that. Without Gene and Joanna around to act as referees, things would probably sprial out of control to the point of furniture being thrown.

"About the adoption?" McCoy guessed, not that there was anything else it could be.

Jocelyn nodded. She looked sad and tired. "I never wanted to hurt her," she said softly.

"Neither did I," McCoy whispered.

"I guess we were both pretty selfish huh?" She gave him a broken smile that did not reach her eyes.

"Mmmm-hmm," McCoy shuffled his feet. "First thing we've agreed upon since the divorce." His attempt at a smile was no more successful than Jocelyn's had been.

It was a very shaky attempt at a truce. The mental wounds left by Jocelyn's infidelities still hurt---as McCoy was sure the mental wounds he inflicted on Joanna hurt her now. And hers were still fresh. But the fact of the matter was that he had to accept Jocelyn, and Gene, as a part of his life to a certain degree if he was to be part of Joanna's life.

"I don't know what time they'll be back," Jocelyn's apologetic tone snapped McCoy from his thoughts. He was starting to unnerve himself with his drifting off; and becoming more and more eager to return to work where he would have an anchor.

"I'll just... wait for them in the lobby, I guess," McCoy said lamely, backing away from the door.

"They should be back in time for dinner," Jocelyn said as means of parting.

McCoy stood staring at the door for several moments, feeling as though he had taken root. He thought about Gene. The man seemed nice enough, from what McCoy could gather. Maybe Jocelyn would remain faithful to him. Maybe Gene could give her whatever it was that McCoy could not. McCoy hoped so, for Gene's sake as much as Joanna's.

When McCoy's legs did start to move, they carried him right through the lobby and out to the beach beyond. The wind and salty air were very much like the beaches on Earth. The most noticeable difference was how much cleaner the sand and water were here on Risa compared with their Earthly counterparts. McCoy tried to enjoy the beauty, the powdered sugar sands, the blue green ocean sparkling like diamonds; but his emotions cast a dark curtain on the scenery, diminishing it.

McCoy wondered what he should do next. He didn't want to wait in the hotel lobby for Joanna and Gene to return; but he didn't want to return to the ship either. If he did, he knew he would never be able to leave again.

_Guess I could invite Jim and Spock down to build a sand castle, _he thought sarcastically. He sighed. He really would have liked their company, but this was the part he needed to handle on his own. They would be there for him when it was over; as they had been all along, even when he didn't deserve it.

After a few minutes of loitering, McCoy began to walk along the beach, planning on returning to the hotel later. He tried to concentrate on his breathing, and the crash of the surf. He knew the sounds of the ocean were supposed to be soothing. Many psychologists recommended tape recordings for patients under stress.

It did work, to a degree anyway. McCoy's heart rate returned to noraml, and his desire to gnaw off his fingernails vanished. His thoughts remained gloomy, but now they were much less chaotic.

Joanna wanted to discuss the potential adoption with Gene. Was she turning him down, or was she expressing agreement? Maybe just trying to weigh her options? Whatever it was, it left McCoy feeling more nervous. If Joanna wanted to be adopted by Gene, McCoy would not stand in the way.

_But you should still let your displeasure of the notion be known, _a voice, very much like Spock's, said in McCoy's mind.

_Maybe, but how do I do that without coming across as an even bigger ass than I've already been?_

That same similar-to-Spock's-voice replied, _She will know you are sincere in wanting her._

"I'm losing it," McCoy muttered out load, shaking his head. Apparently he had been spending so much time with the Vulcan lately that he could now engage in imaginary debates with him. Either that, or Spock's logical way of thinking had started to rub off on McCoy, and was clashing with the doctor's more usual gut reaction to things.

Looking around, he saw that he had come to a deserted stretch of beach. Not knowing what else to do, McCoy decided to sit down and rest for awhile before heading back to the hotel. He picked up a handful of sand and let it slide through his fingers. The sand was soft and cool, almost soothing. McCoy repeated the action several times, and soon ceased to be aware that he was doing it. He closed his eyes, letting the sun warm his face, the wind tousle his hair.

When McCoy finally opened his eyes again, he caught sight of two people standing on a dune. With a jolt he recognised them as Gene and Joanna. They appeared to be engaged in a serious discussion. McCoy knew it was rude to eavesdrop, but his curiosity was almost overwhelming. Just what was Joanna's decision? The roar of the surf made it too hard to hear what they were saying. He tried to read clues from their body language, but nothing seemed to point specifically in one direction or another.

Joanna appeared to be doing most of the talking, with Gene nodding in understanding at certain intervals. Finally, Joanna seemed to finish, leaning forward and hugging her step-father tightly. McCoy felt his heart sink to the soles of his feet. Did this mean that Joanna wanted to be adopted after all?

McCoy knew that he couldn't just keep sitting there, but he also knew he shouldn't intrude on such a private moment for Joanna. Torn, he tried to look away, not wanting to spy on his daughter. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. He kept watching, wondering how often, if ever, he'd get a chance to see her again after this. With a stab of bitterness, he noted the irony: Originally he had left because her questionable parentage made it painful to look at her. Now it was the thought of _not _seeing her that filled him with pain.

Finally, McCoy staggered to his feet. He still didn't know if he should call out or wait and see if Joanna noticed him. He fingered his communicator, struggling against the urge to ask to be beamed back aboard the ship.

He had to continue on with this. Joanna needed to know how he felt. He remembered how uncertain Joanna had been during the meeting the night before; reeling from the blow she had been dealt, and having the person who inflicted it, the father she had loved and trusted, already begging for her forgiveness. How could he have caused her so much pain?

_You rejected her, only fair she rejects you in return,_ hissed an ugly part of McCoy's mind. It might be right, too. McCoy sighed.

Suddenly Gene turned and stared straight at him. McCoy stood frozen in place as Gene pointed him out to Joanna. She appeared to ask Gene a question, and he answered with a nod of his head and a "go on," gesture. Joanna ran down the dune, almost stumbling as she reached McCoy.

"Come to say goodbye again?" Was her tone challenging or cautious? McCoy honestly couldn't tell. Maybe some combination of both?

"No. Well, yes, in a way. I... wanted to talk to you about the adoption..."

"I was just talking to Gene about that."

"Oh?" McCoy asked, playing dumb. "Did..." he nearly choked on the words. "Did you make a decision yet?"

Joanna nodded. "I decided..."

* * *

**_To be continued..._**


	23. Chapter 23

**__**

*Checks the published date* Yikes! This thing's been a work in progress for an entire year?! I'm so sorry! Here's the resolution to the cliffhanger.

* * *

"I decided ... I don't want to be adopted."

In that moment McCoy felt as though he had bungee'd up to heaven from hell.

"Really?" he said, unable to disguise his surprise and delight.

Looking puzzled, Joanna nodded. "Yeah, Gene understands. He's cool with it."

"May I ask why?" McCoy asked, a bit uncertain.

Joanna shrugged. "I don't know ... Gene's cool and everything, I love him a lot but ... I just---I guess I don't want some official paper saying what we feel."

_Just like I shouldn't need an official paper to confirm the relationship I had already felt with her, _McCoy thought. He did wonder, though, if there was more to Joanna's reasoning than she was letting on.

"You said that there were two more years in the mission, right?" Joanna asked. "What are you going to do when it's over?"

"I was considering going back to Atlanta, starting a new practice there," McCoy said, the answer coming to him in that instant. There was a certain rightness to it. It felt like, yes, this is exactly what he was supposed to do.

"Sounds nice," Joanna said quietly, digging a toe in the sand. After a moment she looked up. "Are you going to write me this time?" her tone was cautious.

"Sure I will sunshine," McCoy said, trying to convince himself the sting in his eyes was from the ocean spray. The lump in his throat proved otherwise.

Joanna flinched at the term of endearment. McCoy wanted to kick himself. There was still too much distance between them. He was getting too familiar too soon.

"I'll even try to pick up a few souvenirs, huh?" he said, trying to smile.

"Sounds more like something that mom would like," Joanna said ruefully, pushing her hair out of her eyes.

That was true, McCoy noted. It also wasn't the best idea to try to patch wounds with _things. _They were temporary bandages at best. He had observed that not only with Jocelyn, who had also included sex in her efforts to heal, but with many other patients as well. There was a gaping hole within them that they kept trying to fill in vain.

_Evolved beyond the desire for material goods my ass, _McCoy thought. He could only hope that he hadn't caused any permanent damage to Joanna with his actions, leaving her to search for a way to fill a void in her heart.

She did have Gene looking out for her though, and McCoy was going to do everything in his power to make sure that she knew that she was loved, and always would be.

"I guess this is it then?" Joanna asked. "You said shore leave ends today." More quietly she added, "Better get back before you get into trouble." She started towards Gene. Halfway up the dune, she called over her shoulder, "Be careful out there, okay?"

"I will," McCoy called back, waving. He longed to rush after her and hold her in his arms. This was probably the last time he would get to see her in person for the next two years. He knew he should be grateful that she was even talking to him at all, but still ...

Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. "Joanna! Wait a minute!"

Joanna paused, and McCoy hurried over to her.

"I ... I just wanted to say thank you."

"For what?"

"For deciding not to go through with the adoption. I know I've been a sorry excuse of a father to you, but ... I wouldn't want someone to take my place, even though you deserve better."

Joanna just stared at him for a long moment, lower lip trembling. Finally she said, O-okay. Thanks, I guess," her voice shaking. She started up the dune again. This time McCoy allowed her to go. Gene put his arm around Joanna's shoulders. They looked back at McCoy one last time, then disappeared over the dune.

McCoy wrapped his arms around himself. It seemed to have gotten colder all of a sudden. He thought about returning to the ship, but found himself unready to do so. He needed time to collect himself, especially if Scotty had resumed his position in the transporter room.

This wasn't over yet, McCoy knew, not by a long shot. To earn Joanna's forgiveness, to get back on her good graces, was going to take lots of work. Years worth. He should consider himself consider himself grateful that he had been able to get a foot through the door instead of having it slammed in his face.

He would write to her. _Really _write, as in hand written letters. It was far more personal than something typed on a computer. Practically a lost art in the Federation, it was more often used by the lesser developed planets they discovered during misssions. McCoy felt that in this case the inhabitants of those were better off. Joanna would respect the extra effort, the eomtional connection that came with a handwritten note.

He wondered how it was that she had let him off the hook so easily; considering the circumstances. Did it have anything to do with the advice she'd been given? That it was important to forgive others for your own sake, often more so than theirs? Or did trace amounts of their bond remain, and she didn't wish to sever them? The fact that she was only fifteen made it even harder to deciper the meaning behind her actions.

Maybe the rift McCoy put between them could never be repaired completely, and there would always be a distance between them. It was the legnth of that distance that remained to be seen. Joanna's anger and resentment could mainifest itself again in the future, and next time things might turn out far worse.

_You'll just have to cross that bridge when you come to it, _McCoy told himself, his heart heavy. He _really _needed a drink now. His meetings with Joanna were over, and Jim had given half his work load to M'Benga, there was no reason why McCoy couldn't be allowed to drink now. Scotty certainly had a large enough stash of scotch, McCoy could get some from him if need be. He just had to be sure not to drink with Scotty. Alcohol tended to cause loose lips.

The sun was going to set soon. He needed to return to the ship. He knew Jim would never leave him behind, but it would not be a good idea to force the Captain to hunt him down. Especially since Spock would no doubt think of some "logical" reason to go with him. They were both good friends. Sometimes, though, they cared a little too much. Even Mr. "No-I-Do-Not-Possess-Emotions-Despite-All-Evidence-To-The-Contrary" Spock.

McCoy looked around, taking in the beautiful scenery one last time. Then he removed his communicator, and requested to be beamed aboard the ship.

* * *

Jim had gotten word that Bones had returned to the ship, courtesy of the doctor himself. Jim tried to read in Bones' voice how things had gone over with Joanna, but the message had been abrupt and to the point. Understandably, he knew there would be something of an audience on the bridge.

Reassured that at least his friend was safely aboard the ship, Jim ordered Sulu to switch to warp five and soon Risa dissapeared from the viewscreen. Bones and Joanna, however, remained in Jim's thoughts for the next couple of hours.

The question was, should Jim and Spock seek out Bones? Or should they wait for him to come to them? Jim had to admit he was almost dying of curiosity. What had Joanna decided, or had she even reached a decision yet? And was Bones holding up all right?

Jim kept waiting to hear the woosh of the doors opening, and to see Bones step out onto the bridge. Not too many captains let their CMOs loiter on the bridge, but Jim enjoyed Bones' company, and was also entertained by the banter that went on between Bones and Spock. If the higher ups in Starfleet asked, Jim would have to point out the number of medical emergencies that happened on the bridge. Enterprise being particularly notorious for losing ensigns at an alarming rate, Starfleet rarely pressed the matter further.

Jim looked over at Spock, the two of them exchaning messages with only their eyes.

_Should we go see how Bones is doing?_

_It might raise the suspicion of the crew if we both leave._

Spock leaving would probably be the least conspicuous, Jim decided. He supposed he could contact Bones on the intercom and invent an excuse to go see him, but it might cause unwanted attention if Bones had decided not to return to sickbay.

Spock gave a slight nod, indicating that his thoughts mirrored the Captain's. Silently the Vulcan exited the bridge.

* * *

**_To be continued ..._**


	24. Chapter 24

_**At long, long, last! The final chapter of Joanna is here! Thank you so much for the reviews everyone. And away we go!**_

"Doctor?" Spock asked, his tone cautious. He did not wish to cause McCoy extra stress. As soon as he knew for certain the man's well being, he would leave if McCoy desired him to. As the doctor himself once said, the only thing humans were consistent on was being inconsistent. Desiring companionship in one situation and solitude in the next. It made choosing the correct course of action difficult at times.

There was a slight clatter on the other side of the door, followed by a mild curse. Then, in a slurred voice, McCoy said, "Come in."

McCoy was seated at his desk, a drink in his hand. His eyes were red and swollen, but whether it was from the alcohol or tears Spock was not certain. Most likely some combination between the two.

"What brings you here?" McCoy asked. "Jim sent you to check up on me?"

"No I came here of my own free will," Spock told him. "I was---" he stopped himself. He had almost said, 'I was worried about you.' "Making certain that you were all right," he said instead.

McCoy smirked at him. "So, you were worried about me, is that what you're trying to say?" It was the tone he usually used when he desired to banter with Spock; but there was something in his eyes that made Spock question if that would be a wise decision.

When Jim needed to sort things out, he and Spock often played chess. Perhaps McCoy's method was banter, to behave as if everything were normal. That would mean that Spock should respond to McCoy's inquiry in the negative. But suppose he did not wish to engage in their usual game? How should Spock respond then? An acknowledgement of emotions would be out of character and they both knew it. Unless he could come up with a method to answer the doctor that would not put them both ill at ease.

"Considering the trying circumstances of the past two days, it is only logical to question your well being."

"Humph," McCoy snorted as he poured himself another drink. "Fine then, have it your way."

"How much alcohol have you consumed since your return to the ship?"

"Not nearly enough. More 'logical' curiosity, Mr. Spock?"

"Yes. The affects of alcohol tend to linger---"

"So what? Jim put me on rested leave."

"---And they are extremely unpleasant," Spock went on as if he had not been interrupted. "Hardly worth whatever small amount of relief that it may bring you in the present."

"I'm not in the mood to hear a lecture."

"Nor do I wish to give one. I simply do not desire for you to have any unnecessary suffering."

"The drinks are nessessary, Spock. Just trust me on this, all right? It's better than nothing at all."

"Talking is a form of helping, is it not?"

"Yeah, but I've already been chatting with you and Jim almost nonstop. No offence, but I'm getting a little tired of it."

"None taken, Doctor."

Spock never could bring himself to address McCoy by his first name, despite the fact that the bond they shared was as close as the one he shared with Jim. The name felt foreign in his mouth. Nor could he bring himself to use the nickname "Bones." This was not due to any aversion of nicknames, particularly if the person preferred being addressed as such. It was because it was Jim's name for the doctor. It simply was not right for another person to use it. Even during one period when it was believed that Jim had died, Spock could only comfort McCoy be indirectly quoting Jim. McCoy did not seem to mind this situation, being very vocal in his likes and dislikes he would have certainly spoken up far sooner if he wished to be addressed by another name.

"C'mon, sit down, make yourself at home." McCoy's southern drawl was made thicker by the alcohol. He gestured to the bed. "I've stolen your bed the past two nights, only fair you return the favour, right?"

Was this McCoy's way of saying he did not wish to be alone? Spock decided to accept it as such. Should the doctor change his mind, he could still leave.

"Can I offer you anything to drink?" McCoy asked as Spock sat on the edge of the bed. "Doesn't have to be scotch, you know. Whatever you want is on me."

"No, thank you." Spock raised an eyebrow as McCoy poured himself yet another drink.

"Remember what I said about lectures," McCoy warned. "One word and you're out of here."

"Very well," Spock said quietly. The doctor would no doubt regret his decision soon enough. All Spock could do was try to make the inevitable fall out as tolerable as possible.

McCoy stared thoughtfully into his empty glass. "I remember this one time when Joanna was about six or seven, she asked me how babies were made," he chuckled a little. "It's not exactly a comfortable topic one discusses with their children, even if it is necessary. You understand, right?"

Spock nodded. Sarek had had a smililary unpleasent time having to explain the pon farr and what Spock could expect from it.

"Anyway," McCoy continued, "After much hemming and hawing I finally told her to ask her mother. Joanna looked up at me with those big green eyes and said, 'You mean you're a doctor and you don't know?'"

McCoy laughed then, but it had a slightly bitter sound to it. He glanced over at Spock.

"Did you just smile?"

"No."

"Liar."

They both went silent. The only sound was the hum of the ship's engines and the rattle of ice in McCoy's glass.

Finally, with a heavy sigh, McCoy said, "I guess you're wondering how the meeting went."

When Spock nodded, McCoy continued, "Joanna decided she didn't want to be adopted by Gene after all."

"That is what you wanted, is it not?"

"Yeah ... but there's still this distance between us."

"That's to be expected," Spock said quietly, his eyes on the floor.

"I suppose so. It still hurts, though."

"I know," Spock allowed a small amount of sympathy to creep into his voice. "I am sorry."

The corners of McCoy's mouth twitched, and he stifled a yawn. "Guess I should get some sleep, huh?"

"That might be wise," Spock said, starting to stand up.

"No, no, stay where you are," McCoy said quickly, motioning for Spock to sit back down. The Vulcan moved over to the side to give the doctor more room.

"Jus' stay 'till I fall asleep, all right? Then you can go back to your cabin if you want."

McCoy rested his head on the pillow, keeping his eyes on Spock the entire time. Eventually his breathing slowed, and for the third night in a row, Spock watched his friend sleep.

At some point, Spock must have dozed off himself, because the next thing he knew McCoy suddenly bolted from the bed and dashed into the bathroom, where the sounds of vomiting were soon heard.

Taking a chance, Spock went in to find McCoy kneeling on the floor in front of the toilet. Spock sat down beside him and silently rubbed his back.

"Thanks," McCoy croaked. He took slow, deep breathes. "I, I think I'm good now," he said finally, but made no move to stand. Instead, his eyes welled up with tears, and his shoulders started to shake.

"I really fucked things up, Spock," McCoy choked out. "They'll never be the way they were before and it's my fault.

What could Spock say in response to that? Nothing, unfortunately. But there had to be something he could do ... He closed his eyes, and for once in his life listened to his human side. And the idea that struck him was so ... logical, it was a wonder he hadn't thought of it sooner.

He wrapped his arm around McCoy's shoulders and pulled the doctor to him, wrapping the other arm around him as well, his chin resting on top of McCoy's head.

"What the hell are you doing?" McCoy asked in shock, but he did not pull himself free.

"This is the customary way humans comfort one another, is it not?" Spock asked.

"Well ... yeah. But you're not human."

Spock tightened his grip ever so slightly.

"But you are," he whispered.

* * *

The end! The end! At long last the end!!!


End file.
